19 - Trust (Marriage Material pt. II)

Trust. It is a big deal, one that my last beau emphasized over and over, to the point that I felt I needed to trust him in order to make him want me. I look back now and wonder if he was gaslighting me. A shocking number of people have come forward and told me how uncomfortable my relationship with him made them. I wonder what they saw that I didn’t, and how much I might never understand. When it came down to the moment of parting ways, he ultimately did not honor me or the trust that I had put in him. All of this makes me incredibly wary of opening up to anyone.

Mars, Saturn, and Jupiter aligned recently in the early morning, while the moon rose at the left.

In the four years since that time I have focused on becoming more of myself, and trying to mold this new self into someone who seeks Christ over all else. This new adult person has been on approximately two dates and has been interested in three or so men. I want to focus on this past season, its main characters, and the lessons I’ve learned in today’s entry.

I have known all three men since moving to California and got to know them deeply enough that we became friends. K, V, and B all have honorable and attractive facets of their person, and some questionable or distressing features as well.

K reminds me of my father. His appearance is similar, his interests, and his humor. He also shares some bad habits with my dad. My ideal life looks a lot like his future plans. However, he seems to have little to no interest in me. We have some Theological differences. He is immature in a few key areas. I might feel the twinge of attraction, but as of now, this is not the right person or the right time.

V works hard. He works to become a better man, works to provide for himself and his future, and works at honoring God by his actions and reactions. He is careful, driven, and steady. His past is dark and not totally escapable. He wants something like the future I want, but it will be drastically limited because of his history. He is eager to learn and grow but may never be ready to get married.

B is meditative and shrewd. He is young in his faith but has been maturing faster than anyone I have seen. His craving for authentic growth mirrors my own, as does his scrutiny over his own sin. This introspection can be his downfall and his strength. When he allows despair to take control, he can be irresponsible and selfish. I don’t know if he could be a good match for me.

I wanted to tell you about these men first, so that you would understand that however badly I may have painted them, I am worse. I consider myself to be the chief of all sinners, as Paul did in 1 Timothy 1:15, “Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners--of whom I am the worst.” Knowing this is twofold: introspection with perspective. I am the worst of all sinners, but I am considered saved and held at Christ’s standard of righteousness now.

As in my last post, you know where I stand on the desire to marry. This brings me to the last question I asked in that post:

“How strictly or loosely should I examine a man’s character?”

How deeply ought I to trust him?

How mature does he need to be before we could move wisely forward?

How much do we need to agree on Theology and future plans?

How similar or dissimilar should our personalities and favorite sins be?

How dominant of a man should he be in regards to me, his authorities, and those under him?

On the flip side, what about me? How strictly or loosely should I examine my character?

Am I trustworthy? Am I a woman of integrity?

Am I mature enough to enter into a romantic relationship?

Is my Theology pleasing to God? Am I seeking to serve Christ with my future, or myself?

Am I comfortable with keeping my personality and sinful tendencies where they are?

How submissive of a woman should I be in regards to him, my authorities, and those under me?

My aim whilst considering all of this is to honor the men in my life while considering what God’s best plan is for each relationship and circumstance. I hope that my overflow of thoughts and feelings can be encouraging to someone, somewhere, and maybe even to me someday upon rereading it. It is clear that since the beginning of my blog (and since the beginning of my walk with Christ) I have grown quite a bit in terms of self-respect and somewhat less hasty. I hope to continue my growth by walking with Jesus more faithfully each day.

 “Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.”