17 - On Anniversaries, Pain, and Growth.

Just over a year ago, everything was normal. Sure, the world was on fire, and my life as I knew it was about to change drastically, but for a moment, there was peace.

My favorite fire engine

In that moment of happiness, I forgot myself and ignored the slippery slope that I was standing on. I had actually downplayed the warning signs that I’d been passing, because of temporary contentment.

This was a new experience for me.
Never had I been so totally deceived- it was as though I was in a trance, captivated by a vision of a perfect life, while I was walking unassisted into the jaws of a monster.

A swipe from the claws of a new monster incidentally tore my gaze away from that false vision, and threw me far away from the life I had grown comfortable in - as well as away from danger.

As the one-year anniversary of this conflict drew near, I was incredibly sensitive to the affects it could have on me. Someone has done research on the science of anniversaries, and I only went looking into it after experiencing the affects of a previous wound. Interestingly, the body/soul somehow remembers the emotional/physical pain from a traumatic event, and has been observed to recur near the one-year anniversary of that event.

The first time this happened to me, I was blindsided by a wave of emotion and completely broke down. After realizing what it was caused by, my fear subsided. It was like an unprovoked anxiety attack.

This past autumn, however, has not had any signs of phantom emotions or pain, perhaps because of my tense anticipation. That period of time is not only defined by negative memories, but it also includes the new memories of meeting my dear friend Linda.

Linda & me at the Shasta Dam, with Mt. Shasta in the distance. 

I lived with Linda for about 16 months, and it was another difficult-but-beneficial experience that God has placed me into. She had minor dementia and hearing loss when I met her, as well as a few smaller ailments, and by the time I moved out of her home her dementia had much increased and her hearing loss had noticeably worsened.

It was shockingly clear that God placed me into Linda’s life, though all the reasons why haven’t been yet revealed. Some reasons include the fact that I was abruptly made homeless, and the fact that she needed someone to be able to keep an eye on her daily.

Another reason was the opportunity for me to grow in patience and love. I struggled almost daily while living with Linda to be loving and patient with her. Most times, she was simply forgetful and asked me a lot of questions, sometimes she made jokes that were unfunny to me, and sometimes she was just plain mean. Regardless of the difficulties that she presented me with, she is and was totally deserving of my unconditional love.

The view from the front door of my [new] home

As I go into this new year, new decade, new season of life, I’m intentionally allowing myself some introspection:
I want to grow, so how will I do it?
I desire holiness, so what must be cut out of my life?
I crave authentic relationships, so how can I reach out to God’s beloved children?

Just let me trust wholly in Him, and all will be well.

16 - This Is That Part

Having now taken nearly two years leave from this blog, I have a newfound desire to express my thoughts. So may you be welcomed, as a new or old friend.

Orleans, CA - on a NFS complex fire with Lassen Trucking

I’ll summarize the last two years briefly: 

On a fire in Bowman, CA - without my boots.

July-August 2017

I worked with the volunteer fire dept, took an online college class and failed it, and moved to the Farm – a homestead owned and operated by the R family: my fire chief, his wife, and their daughter SR.

September-December 2017

Continued to work for the VFD, Co. 9, and maintained a childcare job with the City of Red Bluff, learned that my first ‘niece’ was on the way.

CGR - a new true love of mine.

January-May 2018

Began official one-year sabbatical from SBC, got laid off of said childcare job in April, CGR was born, worked with CR. harvesting hay at the Farm, and I decided to attend Fire Academy in the fall.

The Carr Fire over Whiskeytown Lake, July 26th.

June-August 2018

Exercised in preparation for academy, worked on many fires, spent two weeks battling the Carr Fire in Redding, and navigated a dramatically painful exit from the Farm in August. Moved to Redding to live with Linda, a 77-year-old lady with dementia whose family lives in the Bay area and wanted her to be safer.

Graduation from Academy, and an 8 mo CG

September-December 2018

Fire Academy – One of the best experiences, and certainly the most difficult, of my entire life. 15 hours a day, 5-6 days a week, 16 weeks. I’ll never forget the 20 brothers whom I gained, nor the amazing instructors who shared their life’s work with us.

Overlooking the Valley of Armageddon

January-May 2019 (present)

Took 3 classes at SBC, including the Israel class. Visited Israel from February 24 to March 8, an experience that will thrill me and haunt me for the rest of my life. Learned that CG’s brother, SS, is due to arrive this September.

I felt at home in the hospital, but unable to solve real issues.

May 8 began a harrowing ordeal with my brother E, age 18, as he battled a mysterious and life-threatening infection. He was hospitalized on May 10, and by the 12^th he was in ICU, intubated and sedated with a failing liver and acute pneumonia. Surgeons removed the largest spot of inflammation and infection from his collarbone and by May 17, he was well enough to be discharged and sent home. We had hundreds of people praying for him. I continue to pray for his salvation, and that of my other two brothers.

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A dear friend with whom I discuss meaningful topics has recently shared his frustrations with American Christianity, the impossibility of men striving to please God, and with our own propensity to sin. In response my whole heart screams, “Yes! Why, God? I hate this! I miss You! If I am to be forced to live on this wretched planet one more day…” I feel that my spirit could break.

The Sea of Galilee

Much like my two-years-ago self, I today struggle with conforming my emotions and actions to my convictions and eternal yearnings. I cannot seem to read my Bible (listen to God’s words) or pray (return conversation to God and attempt to align my heart with His) more than three days in a row. Memorization is even more difficult, though I feel a deep need for it, logically and spiritually.

This is less of a shared lesson learned, and more of an affirmation of my own need. I am hopelessly depraved, desperately wicked - as if hunting down sins to accomplish is all I need to survive - and yet, through Christ, I have a Helper. He promised not happiness, health, or prosperity, but hardship, hurting, and persecution.

This is that part. 

This is that fleeting moment of "time," the one where we endure temporal judgement for our sin and are separated from God in body. This is the part where it all but kills us, and for some, that may happen. I am no expert, but I'm friends with the One who holds the future, and cares for me, the worst of all sinners. I trust that He is faithful to do it.

"Now may the God of peace himself sanctify you completely, and may your whole spirit and soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. 

He who calls you is faithful; He will surely do it.

Brothers, pray for us.

The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with you."

15 - Green...In California...In Summer...

I think I must be growing.

Some days feel hopeless and make the bad stuff feel more important. 

On other days I feel confident and amazed at how strong I’ve become in some ways.

I’ve had new stressors that have pushed me to adapt and step forward as a leader, I’ve had a chosen few strong mentors at my side as opposed to a mass of mediocre advisors, and I’ve become responsible for the husbandry of several animals.

On most days, I have no inherent interest for God’s Word. Sure, I’ll pray for myself and others throughout the day. But there is little passion for cultivating our relationship. On a certain few days, I will be overcome with despair for my sin, and overwhelmed with adoration for my Abba’s work in my salvation. But, as my dear friend SM reminds me, seeing your feelings as the most important part of your relationship with the King is SIN, for it minimizes the power of the cross.

In light of all this, I praise God. He is worthy of worship not only for the immense growth He has effected in my past, nor for the miracles He is working in my life today, but for all of this, including the future salvation that is in store for me, which is too wonderful for me to understand.

One of my dearest friends used to say that my most godly trait was my desire for growth. I didn’t understand that concept very well the first time I heard it. But I’m beginning to realize how important it is. I thank the Lord of all things for giving me idiosyncratic desires, and this one being something that does not come from my natural self. He is perfecting me and making me holy…. and helping me WANT to be holy.

What a merciful King we serve! 

"The grass withers and the flowers fall, but the word of our God endures forever."

Isaiah 40:8