Showing posts with label Theological Thoughts. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Theological Thoughts. Show all posts

Saturday, January 4, 2020

17 - On Anniversaries, Pain, and Growth.

Just over a year ago, everything was normal. Sure, the world was on fire, and my life as I knew it was about to change drastically, but for a moment, there was peace.

My favorite fire engine

In that moment of happiness, I forgot myself and ignored the slippery slope that I was standing on. I had actually downplayed the warning signs that I’d been passing, because of temporary contentment.

This was a new experience for me.
Never had I been so totally deceived- it was as though I was in a trance, captivated by a vision of a perfect life, while I was walking unassisted into the jaws of a monster.

A swipe from the claws of a new monster incidentally tore my gaze away from that false vision, and threw me far away from the life I had grown comfortable in - as well as away from danger.

As the one-year anniversary of this conflict drew near, I was incredibly sensitive to the affects it could have on me. Someone has done research on the science of anniversaries, and I only went looking into it after experiencing the affects of a previous wound. Interestingly, the body/soul somehow remembers the emotional/physical pain from a traumatic event, and has been observed to recur near the one-year anniversary of that event.

The first time this happened to me, I was blindsided by a wave of emotion and completely broke down. After realizing what it was caused by, my fear subsided. It was like an unprovoked anxiety attack.

This past autumn, however, has not had any signs of phantom emotions or pain, perhaps because of my tense anticipation. That period of time is not only defined by negative memories, but it also includes the new memories of meeting my dear friend Linda.
Linda & me at the Shasta Dam, with Mt. Shasta in the distance. 

I lived with Linda for about 16 months, and it was another difficult-but-beneficial experience that God has placed me into. She had minor dementia and hearing loss when I met her, as well as a few smaller ailments, and by the time I moved out of her home her dementia had much increased and her hearing loss had noticeably worsened.

It was shockingly clear that God placed me into Linda’s life, though all the reasons why haven’t been yet revealed. Some reasons include the fact that I was abruptly made homeless, and the fact that she needed someone to be able to keep an eye on her daily.

Another reason was the opportunity for me to grow in patience and love. I struggled almost daily while living with Linda to be loving and patient with her. Most times, she was simply forgetful and asked me a lot of questions, sometimes she made jokes that were unfunny to me, and sometimes she was just plain mean. Regardless of the difficulties that she presented me with, she is and was totally deserving of my unconditional love.

The view from the front door of my [new] home
As I go into this new year, new decade, new season of life, I’m intentionally allowing myself some introspection:
I want to grow, so how will I do it?
I desire holiness, so what must be cut out of my life?
I crave authentic relationships, so how can I reach out to God’s beloved children?

Just let me trust wholly in Him, and all will be well.

Friday, January 20, 2017

14 - Joy

Joy is such a pure thing. It is a hoping and delighting way of life, and somehow it is possible to be deeply sorrowful while continuing in that way of life. Along with Love, Peace, Patience, and others, it is a FRUIT of the Holy Spirit of God. It can only come from Him, through Him. Submission to Him brings the rewards of a fruitful, fruit-filled life.

The deeply sorrowful, intensely longing side of me is always beneath the surface. Today in Old Testament Survey class I was reminded of Psalm 130, the fundamental passage for this blog. I am so longing for the coming King, Christ Jesus my savior. And mixed in with that is my loneliness for family, companionship, the drawing near of the end times.

And yet, Joy.

Righteousness will be His belt, and faithfulness the sash around His waist.

Inshallah.

Thursday, December 29, 2016

13 - Autumn '16

A Lesson in Patience

I know, I know... I'm meant to be all about this 'patience' thing, especially since I've named my entire blog after the longing sort of patience we are to emit as we wait for the LORD. 
Thankfully it is not me but the Spirit of God who makes any emanating patience a reality.
 He is so gracious to be everything I need and more.

Lake Waldo, OR
This has been a very interesting season for me... I've been very alone, very adult, and learning a new thing just about every hour. I've been through training to become a volunteer firefighter, and have been taking three college classes this semester, one of which was the Emergency Medical Technician (EMT) program and was worth 7.5 units.  (That's a lot, in case you don't speak college.)

And I graduated!! Woohoo!!!!
SR and I worked like crazy to pull it off... though I'm pretty sure it's only because God wants it to happen for some reason.








SR is so fantastic. She's a wonderful sister in the LORD, she is passionate about her goals, and she is the opposite of me when it comes to personality.        :)
Joj helping to wash the grapes

Another couple of events this fall:

I made grape juice for the first time! From actual grapes!
And I turned 22!
I felt quite creative... (there are two 2's and they make a heart!)




SM (my dear mentor)> and I got to attend a women's conference in October in the MOST beautiful corner of creation I've ever been in. 

The falls!! I was right there ^^^^^!!!!!!!!!



Richardson Springs, CA



















Sunday, February 14, 2016

10 - Be My Valentine?

The past year has been a hurricane.


It seemed like every week (if not every day) I was learning more of the depth of my insufficiency and incapability to handle my emotions or grasp spiritual things, or believe that the God of the universe loves me.


Today in Sunday School we talked about God's love, as He longs for us to understand it. He is so good, and the things that He chooses to put in my life are hand-picked because of His love for me.


In the last two months, a bunch of my expectations and dreams got taken out of the picture. I'm no longer planning to live in Oregon, I no longer have a man that I'm planning to marry, a year of relationship building with his family now seems to be in vain, and I'm practically alone on the west coast of America.


Why on EARTH would a good Father choose to give me this life??


Because He loves me. 

Because He is good.

Because He knows best.



My heart is so sad, yet so very full of joy and full of the hope that my Jesus has given me.

Oh, how I wish it were so simple to forget the whole world and worship Him! It seems at times that I could/should abandon worldly things altogether and seek to know Him more fully with each moment.

How can I spend one more minute hitting the snooze, or overeating, or putting anything in a different rank than it should be? To serve my King is to see this world as He sees it: desperately in need of a Rescuer. As one of my professors is often quoted, "We. Do. Not. Act. On. What. We. Know. To. Be. True." If I did, I would be giving my every breath to share the amazing, life-saving, eternal power of Jesus' person and work.

If I did, I would be "better."

Better means - evidently filled with the fruit of the Spirit/quick to listen/slow to speak/wise/mature. These are my very high expectations for myself. I want to do all I can, with the faith that I have, to grow in that and return my Master's talent to Him with interest. But how do I attempt this with the right perspective? I really am not certain, but this is my guess: I will learn to be content with the level of growth that I have achieved, at least for today. Tomorrow, I'll take another step toward godliness, without the expectation of immediate and astonishing results.


But I absolutely cannot do any of this in my own power. And God does not expect me to. I think the most difficult facet of my life right now is that I am completely convinced that He ultimately has the best plan in mind, and also completely and excruciatingly aware of my ineptitude to recognize or completely embrace that perfect plan. I just thank Him for His incredible patience with my helplessness.


So, be mine? On this day that would have been happy, my Savior is longing for my heart, longing to be my everything. And I do so long to see His face, to bring Him glory with my life until that day, and to cause those around me to see the perfection and sufficiency of Christ because of my weakness.


Be my Valentine/Sweetheart for this passing hour? No, let Him be the Lover of my soul for all eternity.


Friday, January 15, 2016

9 - My True Love

Who knew life could be so hard?


Oh, right... God did.

He has known every temptation before I existed.

He knows my every fear and worry, every sadness that stabs through my heart.

He loves me SO PASSIONATELY that He DIED for me.


"Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has ascended into heaven, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin. Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need."
Hebrews 4:14-16


My Jesus is always with me, even to the end of the age.

My Abba is the King of my life, and yet calls me daughter. It is He whom I long to see one day - whose lap I picture when I'm curled up and crying - whose arms I ache to be held by.

His Spirit waits for my submission before He envelops me in comfort and reminds me of the everlasting promises.

I am not alone.

This is but a battle -- The war is already won.

To the one God of heaven and earth be glory forever!

Wednesday, February 11, 2015

8 - On Life


It’s been crazy lately! Oh my… I’ll go in chronological order to keep it simple. :)


     My dear friends (Brian & Jenna) who have the sheep farm did not get back until Monday evening the 2nd of February. On Monday morning when I went out to check on all the sheep, I looked into the dark back corner of the barn, and there were new babies! I was so excited! I saw one lamb standing up when the ewe started and moved, and then I saw the lamb that was lying completely flat. Somehow, whether by the harsh zero-degree temperatures or just from natural causes, the little girl lamb had died before I had gotten there. But as the mother ewe continued to move away nervously, I noticed the third lamb, curled up in the far corner, wobbling as if nodding off to sleep.
     I stuck my finger inside his mouth immediately to take his temperature, and seeing that it was way too cold, I scooped him up, put him in my coat and hurried back to the house. (Maybe this narrative is a bit dull to my animal-familiar readers, but it was a hugely exciting time for me.) I placed him into a garbage bag, and the bag into a warm bathtub-ful of water. Some two or three new warm tub-fuls later, he began to kick and try to get up. Back out to the barn he went, to see if his mother would accept him back as her baby. Thankfully, she did, and he began to nurse not long afterwards. What an amazing experience! That evening when I got back to my home, I realized that I had been wearing my brand new Christmas gift of a coat underneath my Carhartt, and by sticking the lamb in there, I had also introduced to my coat everything that the lamb had been laying in, and was already covered with. Now, I pride myself (never a good habit) with having the lifestyle of a ‘non-girly’ individual, so I didn’t lose my head over such a silly thing, especially since it had certainly helped to save a life! What a wonderful thing! But the stains came out surprisingly easily, just so you know. :)

     On Wednesday I got a call to come back to Infinity Farm and help with the sheep some more, just because of the delicate nature of lambing, especially with the added danger of the cold. Brian had to go to work, and Jenna could use an extra set of hands. So just as I was heading out of the house I received a VERY exciting and concerning text from Mom K. P, T's twin, and his wife L had been up all of Tues-Wed. night because L had started having contractions! As thrilling as this was, the downside was that she was making little progress. (L was with child, by the way.) I helped around the house in-between barn checks, and was constantly thinking of P, L & baby. 

     About at noon, Jenna and I discovered a ewe named Galaxy, and her set of triplet male lambs that had been born in the hour since our last visit! As nice as that was, there was a constantly looming desire for the lambs to be female; this sheep farm is a dairy farm, after all! On the next barn tour at one o’clock, we discovered a ewe that was beginning to labor. Rose had quadruplets last year, and triplets the two years before that. With sheep, when they have a certain number of lambs one year, they are expected to have the same amount or more each recurring year. Rose’s quads had been TINY though, so Jenna thought she just might have three this year. 
     (Just, ha! Can you imagine?) Their sheep usually labored for 15-30 minutes from beginning to birth, and any multiples spaced 5-10 minutes after that. So Jenna and I resolved to check on Rose again in 15 minutes. When we came back, she was still just walking around, eating every now and then, sitting down to push, and repeating the cycle. So Jenna gave her 30 or so more minutes, but this time I stayed behind to watch. At about thirty minutes, I got too cold, so headed back to the house. By this time it was three o’clock, and Brian returned from work. He and I went back to the barn to see what to do about this sheep that had been laboring for so long. It had been at least two hours! Jenna had consulted a ‘sheep manual’ of sorts during this time, and was refreshing her knowledge on how to assist with lambing if necessary. All three of us headed out to see what we could do for this ewe, rubber gloves and sheep book in hand.

You can hardly see #1 up by Rose's head, just his little white spot!
     When we arrived, there was FINALLY something visible coming out of the birth canal! A nose and….. One hoof. This explained a LOT. One of the lamb’s front legs was caught behind a pelvic bone, and couldn’t get out. So by quickly consulting the book, Jenna discovered just how she needed to intervene in order to get the lamb out safely. I held Rose’s head, Brian watched, Jenna pushed, twisted, and pulled all while pleading and encouraging Rose and the baby. We were all so glad when that lamb dropped! Jenna quickly cleared the nose and checked for the gender. Lamb # 1 was almost completely black, with a white forelock, and male! And he was big! 8 pounds at least. Lamb #2 followed soon after. He was born with a normal 2-hoof-1-nose presentation. While #2 was smaller than #1, he was still much bigger than any of last year’s quads had been at birth. Yes, male! And SO cute! Mostly white, with two black eyes and four nickel-sized spots along his spine at his shoulders.

Myself, #2, #1(the invisible one), and Omega.

     #3 was bigger than #1! This lamb was in the same position as #1, with one leg back. I guess they were just big! He was male, and almost completely white. Jenna was watching as the brood grew, and she was exclaiming with surprise that the three boys had all fit! And then I was saying, “Jenna…. Look!” Two hooves this time, but Brian quickly realized that they weren’t front hooves. The lamb was breach. Jenna quickly grabbed the hocks, and Brian read instructions to her while I held Rose still. The tricky thing with breach birth is making sure the ribcage of the lamb doesn’t get caught on the pelvic bone of the ewe. #4 was the same size as #1. Four babies! Big, normal-sized babies! And number 4 was a girl! Finally! She was the last of the seven new lambs that day, and the only female! For this reason she was named Omega the next day. :)

     The second lamb was obviously the runt, and both he and Omega were a bit weak, so they came into the house for a while to get warmed up and fed. Omega perked right up and was ready to go out again before long, but #2 was apparently going to be a bottle-fed house lamb, just because he was weaker and for SOME reason Brian and Jenna thought four babies for one mama might get a bit overwhelming. I headed home for the night.

     Now in all of this, P & L had started the day at the hospital, laboring. Somewhere in the morningtime they decided to go back to her parent’s house to rest for a while. In the afternoon/evening they went back to the hospital. I went to bed that night after a text from Mom saying she’d inform me of any baby news, even if it happened in the middle of the night. On February 5th I woke up at 5:50 a.m. Eastern time, and immediately checked my phone, but no news. At 5:57, my phone buzzed! I sat straight up and grabbed the phone. Baby N was here! I cried and laughed and praised God. What an amazing miracle! Even though I won’t meet her for several months, I’m already captivated by her. Every day since her arrival I’ve been bragging about her to anyone who will listen. I’m amazed at how she’s unwillingly stolen my heart. :)

 
     I was called back to the farm that day just in case of anything crazy happening.  Galaxy’s smallest lamb and Rose’s #2 were both designated as bottle babies. I got to sit on the living room floor and dry them off and cuddle them after their baths. I admit I’d made a favorite of lamb #2, and now Jenna was saying that they needed names…. So I eventually brought up the already decided name of Ellipsis for #2. And we decided on Mark for the other one, because of his exclamatory ! wool. :)

Ellipsis, Mark, and Brian & Jenna's youngest - baby R!

     Throughout the day it became more and more apparent that Mark was getting stronger and Ellipsis was not. He wouldn’t eat or stand, and just slept on my lap for four hours straight. Jenna researched in the sheep book, and together we concluded that his umbilical cord had been chewed too short, resulting in a fatal infection. Ellipsis was cared for and warm, and he died sometime that night.

R playing with Ellipsis on my lap
     On Friday I had the unexpected pleasure of getting to go and see my maternal grandparents! I have been so loved by them, and it’s not often we get to just sit and talk anymore.

Twins!
     My Grandma Judy had a stroke just a few years ago, and has had declining memory abilities ever since. I am so in love with her, and it is sad for me to see her frustrated when she realizes that she’s repeating a conversation or knows that she’s forgotten something important. She is so loving, despite it all. She needs no excuse to smile and laugh and hug and kiss. She fostered my love for music in its infancy, she sang me to sleep countless times, and was a primary care provider for my first couple years of life as my mom was working part time. My Grandpa Roger is the best definition of dependable I’ve ever seen. He taught me how to be safe when doing anything, and he is fiercely passionate about caring for me and his other grandchildren. He has never wavered in consistency as Grandma has had difficulties, and you can just SEE how deeply he loves her when he looks at her.

All this to say, life is so, so precious. Little Ellipsis was a precious creation of our Maker, and I was blessed by his little life. Darling, sweet N is one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen in my life. She has captured my heart. My grandparents have become a tangible proof of God’s love in my life.

There was a time in my past when I attempted, more than once, to end my life.

I believe that Satan knows just how precious life is, and just how much our Father loves us, and it disgusts him. He also knows that one of the biggest chinks in my armor is my struggle with joy. But he can’t have me. He can’t have me because my Savior is fighting for my heart. He has already won the war. My Jesus is lavishing His love on me. This God, who died that I could live, continues to pursue me and draw me nearer. He gives me these undeserved gifts in my life so that I can see that much more of a wider scope of how IMMEASURABLY much HE loves me.

My Father, my Lover, my Friend.
His children are the most precious of all God's creations. 


See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God!
And that is what we are!
1 John 3:1


Thursday, January 15, 2015

6 - Discomfort Communicated In The Form Of My Ramblings...

Oh my. How sinful I am!

They tell you to make catchy opening lines. I prefer to neutralize them with a long and boring follow-up statement. Ha.

But in all seriousness: I’m feeling particularly sorry for my faults at present, specifically my uncanny ability to make everything about me. Have you ever tried to write an entire paragraph of monologue without starting a single sentence with the word ‘I’? That’s difficult stuff!!

Halley is selfish. Halley is human. And oh so sorry for it. So! Quick fix! Turn it around and center your gaze on someone else. Simple, right? Focus on where they may be hurting or need help. Even better, make that someone God. Now, obviously He doesn’t need help. But instead of wallowing, ask yourself what you’re doing to further His kingdom as opposed to deterring or discouraging His advances.

Not sure how much sense that makes, but I firmly believe that it is good for sinners to talk to other sinners, and in doing so, point each other to Christ. I feel as though I’m not doing well in my walk right now. But, maybe in a few weeks, I’ll look back and wish I was as faithful then as I am now. Maybe this post is from current sinner Halley to future sinner Halley. Maybe it’s to someone else.

Context, right…
 
The view.
I’m sitting on the sewing room floor as I type, and I’ve just gotten off the phone with my WONDERFUL suitor, T. :) Today was ‘productive’, I cleaned someone else’s house, didn’t clean mine; I provided food for the youth group leaders, but not for my family. (Granted, they were out and didn’t end up needing food..) No ‘major’ sins were committed today, ‘just’ my selfishness and impatience and laziness. Oh, and, a LARGE part of that selfishness/impatience is composed of my whining (mainly internal) about how much I miss T. I'm wishing I was in that crowded, wonderful home with the people I feel that I was born to meet. I wish I was in that little house on a hill rather than in this big, empty house in cold Michigan.

So that’s my life right now. I am uncomfortably inactive. In my faith, in my housekeeping, in my relationships… Yuck. I need to refocus. Re-prioritize. 

I don’t HAVE to end this on a positive note… So I’ll direct the question to the reader, present or future.

How are YOU using your time to HONOR God? Your affections? Or simply your thoughts? I don’t want to be where I am now. Do you? How will you change who you are and where you are going?
I don’t feel clever, or fulfilled, or fixed, or even motivated. But I know that something has to change, so that’s a start.


I’m praying for each person that reads this. :) May God bless you and draw you near.


Saturday, October 18, 2014

2 - Not As It Was Intended


I have never broken a bone. It is one of my greatest woes, because among other ailments that I’ve avoided, the absences of them all render me medically boring. But on the topic of bones, have you ever broken a bone?

My brothers have each broken a few, and I can remember the look of sheer agony on M’s face as he was leaving for the hospital with a snapped ulna. When E had broken a bone in his hand, (because he had been play-fighting and punched another kid too hard {the other kid was fine}) he was told that the doctor would have to re-set the bone if it was to heal properly. The procedure was to be anesthesia-free and therefore painful. E was young at the time and chose not to go through with it. The only lasting result is that he no longer has a visible knuckle on his right pinky finger.

Part of Philippians 2:15 says, “…children of God in a crooked and depraved generation…” Why do you think Paul had this opinion of how this generation would be? Let me tell you my theory.

We are born broken.

The sin in this world shatters our bones and causes us to be extremely disfigured; nothing like what God wanted us to be. Over time we heal into mangled, twisted, crooked, and depraved versions of what we were originally created to be. Our bones have mended themselves in a way that is slowly restricting our ability to breathe, to move, to live. We will eventually be choked to death by our injured and damaged bodies.

When we allow Christ to rescue us from this looming fatality, He takes to us like a surgeon to a patient. He soothes our souls and regenerates our bodies. He heals us from the inside out. Hebrews 10:10 says, “…we have been made holy through the sacrifice of the body of Jesus Christ once for all.”

Jesus saves our lives.

But we still resist His offer of healing our bones. “It would be painful! It would take more time than I’m willing to give!” When we relent to the Holy Spirit’s loving hand, He heals us through a painful process. He re-breaks our bones and sets them in the way they should have been all along. By letting God take our sin and asking for His help, He is able to restore our bones more and more each day.

Faith can be illustrated by this doctor-patient relationship. Our Great Physician is dedicated to and desperate to heal us of our terminal illness. When will His patient become humble enough to be cured?

I know that He has promised to heal me, but have I asked Jesus to break my incorrectly set bones today?

There is a circular garden near where I live that I like to go to when I pray. I have affectionately dubbed it ‘Jericho,’ because I will walk in circles while I talk to God. While I was there earlier this evening, I began thinking about this bone illustration. 

It is not my bones that need fixing, it’s my heart. 

It’s my motives, my drive, my passion, my thoughts, and my desires. I want my Jesus to break my heart for what truly matters! To change my direction completely if that is what is best!

I can do nothing without Christ giving me strength. I couldn’t even begin. I cannot ever keep from crying when I think of how He loves me and gave Himself for me. He has so overly abundantly provided for me, time after time. When I think of Abba, my Father, I am overcome with the desire to serve Him in even more of every aspect of my life.

My prayer as I write this is that you will also be overwhelmed by God’s grace and love for you.

Sunday, October 12, 2014

1 - Isaiah 12

Today is a wonderful day.
Jesus has taken away my death sentence.
My flesh fails and my soul despairs.
Abba, my Father fills me, even until I overflow.

In that day you will say:

“I will praise you, O LORD.
Although you were angry with me,
your anger has turned away
and you have comforted me.
Surely God is my salvation;
I will trust and not be afraid.
The LORD, the LORD, is my strength
and my song;
He has become my salvation.”
With joy you will draw water
from the wells of salvation.

In that day you will say:
“Give thanks to the LORD, call on His
name;
make known among the nations what he has done,
and proclaim that his name is exalted.
Sing to the Lord, for he has done
glorious things;
let this be known to all the world.
Shout aloud and sing for joy, people of
Zion,

for great is the Holy One of Israel 
among you.”