17 - On Anniversaries, Pain, and Growth.

Just over a year ago, everything was normal. Sure, the world was on fire, and my life as I knew it was about to change drastically, but for a moment, there was peace.

My favorite fire engine

In that moment of happiness, I forgot myself and ignored the slippery slope that I was standing on. I had actually downplayed the warning signs that I’d been passing, because of temporary contentment.

This was a new experience for me.
Never had I been so totally deceived- it was as though I was in a trance, captivated by a vision of a perfect life, while I was walking unassisted into the jaws of a monster.

A swipe from the claws of a new monster incidentally tore my gaze away from that false vision, and threw me far away from the life I had grown comfortable in - as well as away from danger.

As the one-year anniversary of this conflict drew near, I was incredibly sensitive to the affects it could have on me. Someone has done research on the science of anniversaries, and I only went looking into it after experiencing the affects of a previous wound. Interestingly, the body/soul somehow remembers the emotional/physical pain from a traumatic event, and has been observed to recur near the one-year anniversary of that event.

The first time this happened to me, I was blindsided by a wave of emotion and completely broke down. After realizing what it was caused by, my fear subsided. It was like an unprovoked anxiety attack.

This past autumn, however, has not had any signs of phantom emotions or pain, perhaps because of my tense anticipation. That period of time is not only defined by negative memories, but it also includes the new memories of meeting my dear friend Linda.

Linda & me at the Shasta Dam, with Mt. Shasta in the distance. 

I lived with Linda for about 16 months, and it was another difficult-but-beneficial experience that God has placed me into. She had minor dementia and hearing loss when I met her, as well as a few smaller ailments, and by the time I moved out of her home her dementia had much increased and her hearing loss had noticeably worsened.

It was shockingly clear that God placed me into Linda’s life, though all the reasons why haven’t been yet revealed. Some reasons include the fact that I was abruptly made homeless, and the fact that she needed someone to be able to keep an eye on her daily.

Another reason was the opportunity for me to grow in patience and love. I struggled almost daily while living with Linda to be loving and patient with her. Most times, she was simply forgetful and asked me a lot of questions, sometimes she made jokes that were unfunny to me, and sometimes she was just plain mean. Regardless of the difficulties that she presented me with, she is and was totally deserving of my unconditional love.

The view from the front door of my [new] home

As I go into this new year, new decade, new season of life, I’m intentionally allowing myself some introspection:
I want to grow, so how will I do it?
I desire holiness, so what must be cut out of my life?
I crave authentic relationships, so how can I reach out to God’s beloved children?

Just let me trust wholly in Him, and all will be well.

14 - Joy

Joy is such a pure thing. It is a hoping and delighting way of life, and somehow it is possible to be deeply sorrowful while continuing in that way of life. Along with Love, Peace, Patience, and others, it is a FRUIT of the Holy Spirit of God. It can only come from Him, through Him. Submission to Him brings the rewards of a fruitful, fruit-filled life.

The deeply sorrowful, intensely longing side of me is always beneath the surface. Today in Old Testament Survey class I was reminded of Psalm 130, the fundamental passage for this blog. I am so longing for the coming King, Christ Jesus my savior. And mixed in with that is my loneliness for family, companionship, the drawing near of the end times.

And yet, Joy.

Righteousness will be His belt, and faithfulness the sash around His waist.

Inshallah.

11 - Relearning to walk

My favorite number is ten, so it's always  difficult for me to want to add an eleven to anything. But it has been so long!

SBC girls!

Hoge & I

Hello from California! As a child I overheated very easily, and have only gotten more sensitive to the heat as I've aged. But it would seem that this is where God has me for now! :)

Part of my house

As I may have mentioned before, I also have a 'chink in my armor' that tends to be an area of struggle for me with my emotions. I was never diagnosed, but I have had to really work at being joyful and unafraid throughout my life. The devil knows this, (and I'm thankful that I am aware) so it's an important matter to keep under control. Anyway, how is all this connected?

Back view of the house (with a stray pool ladder)

I am feeling quite alone these days. Sure, my relationship with my family is ever growing sweeter, and my Abba is always with me. But over the past three years, I've lived in four different states, six different homes, and my circumstances have considerably changed. I love, love, LOVE my church family, and they are just that most of the time. They are so sweet and I love to be involved in their lives. But changing hands so frequently makes it difficult to have close relationships. Maybe this is God giving me a hint: don't put more stock in temporal things/relationships than in Him.

I thank the LORD for my sweet friend B, whom He has miraculously placed in the same family and town as me!

H, B, I - at B's wedding a month ago.

It has been a journey. An adventure even! My God is working all things out for His glorious purposes, and I long to trust Him more as He uses me however He will.

Ah yes! The title of this entry is important indeed. I am reminded frequently of my inadequacy and Christ's sufficiency. As a little child, I am learning to walk, to live, to trust Him more, and I'm needing to re-do it this time. I'm alone, I'm single, I'm learning a whole new way of life, and God is there, holding my hand as I take some baby steps and some big jumps. May I seek His will above all.

This hymn has been on my mind lately, and this verse in particular. The depth of Jesus' love for us is one I shall never fully comprehend. He has blessed us and saved us thousands of times more than we could ever deserve.

View Him prostrate in the garden, on the ground your Maker lies.

On the bloody tree behold Him! Sinner, will this not suffice?

10 - Be My Valentine?

The past year has been a hurricane.


It seemed like every week (if not every day) I was learning more of the depth of my insufficiency and incapability to handle my emotions or grasp spiritual things, or believe that the God of the universe loves me.


Today in Sunday School we talked about God's love, as He longs for us to understand it. He is so good, and the things that He chooses to put in my life are hand-picked because of His love for me.


In the last two months, a bunch of my expectations and dreams got taken out of the picture. I'm no longer planning to live in Oregon, I no longer have a man that I'm planning to marry, a year of relationship building with his family now seems to be in vain, and I'm practically alone on the west coast of America.


Why on EARTH would a good Father choose to give me this life??

Because He loves me. 

Because He is good.

Because He knows best.

My heart is so sad, yet so very full of joy and full of the hope that my Jesus has given me.

Oh, how I wish it were so simple to forget the whole world and worship Him! It seems at times that I could/should abandon worldly things altogether and seek to know Him more fully with each moment.

How can I spend one more minute hitting the snooze, or overeating, or putting anything in a different rank than it should be? To serve my King is to see this world as He sees it: desperately in need of a Rescuer. As one of my professors is often quoted, "We. Do. Not. Act. On. What. We. Know. To. Be. True." If I did, I would be giving my every breath to share the amazing, life-saving, eternal power of Jesus' person and work.

If I did, I would be "better."

Better means - evidently filled with the fruit of the Spirit/quick to listen/slow to speak/wise/mature. These are my very high expectations for myself. I want to do all I can, with the faith that I have, to grow in that and return my Master's talent to Him with interest. But how do I attempt this with the right perspective? I really am not certain, but this is my guess: I will learn to be content with the level of growth that I have achieved, at least for today. Tomorrow, I'll take another step toward godliness, without the expectation of immediate and astonishing results.


But I absolutely cannot do any of this in my own power. And God does not expect me to. I think the most difficult facet of my life right now is that I am completely convinced that He ultimately has the best plan in mind, and also completely and excruciatingly aware of my ineptitude to recognize or completely embrace that perfect plan. I just thank Him for His incredible patience with my helplessness.


So, be mine? On this day that would have been happy, my Savior is longing for my heart, longing to be my everything. And I do so long to see His face, to bring Him glory with my life until that day, and to cause those around me to see the perfection and sufficiency of Christ because of my weakness.


Be my Valentine/Sweetheart for this passing hour? No, let Him be the Lover of my soul for all eternity.