20 - Anger, Pain, Triggers, Sorrow, and Disappointment - Becoming Truly Sanctified

A while back, I wrote a post about joy. Today, four years later, I find myself in different circumstances, yet still struggling to realize where my power comes from.

As I sense the pull of temptation toward older sins, ones which I (maybe naively) thought I had begun to master, I grow agitated and nervous. When someone else is actively involved with that thing which reminds me of my past, and is displaying it publicly, I get angry as I feel the darkness fill the room. 

Tonight a member of my family turned on a movie which I used to claim as my favorite. Today however, as it was suggested as an entertainment option, I repeatedly voiced my desire for us to do something else, and to not watch this particular movie. Despite what I thought were clear communications, the movie was turned on. And here the triggering began.

Not really angry, mostly annoyed, I decided to distract myself and be productive by making dinner in another room. With the harsh language and silly banter mixed together, the movie certainly used to make me laugh, but now it makes me cringe. I know some people who turn a show off if they hear even a peep of blasphemy, let alone the garbage that came out of these actors mouths, so why don't I? 

I wish that I would have just left the room at this point, but I was too distracted and flustered to make a clear decision. As the film progressed, I knew that a certain scene was approaching. An actor made his first appearance onto the screen and I lost it. I gathered up all of my things and began to rush with them toward my bedroom. The relative who had chosen the movie and I yelled a bit at each other before I finally got to my room and shut the door, overwhelmed with anger, confusion, and sorrow.

Before I was even out of the kitchen I was regretting my reaction. I thought, "This isn't how a woman filled with the Holy Spirit should act! Why is this happening? How do I slow it down?" Sorrow about my actions washed over me, and I tried to compose myself. But did I immediately take it to the Lord in prayer? Nope. Now we are at the disappointment phase. 

The scene that I knew was coming up was one that fascinated me as a younger person. It was technically only cast with fully clothed people, but it's only purpose was to communicate an unexpected and turbulent sexual affair. This movie, and this particular scene, was an immediate threat to me. Unbeknownst to my family, or rather anyone other than a dear friend of mine, I have been repeatedly tempted these last few months to return to the sin of pornography. 

As far as winning streaks go, I've been having one with that particular battle. So why now? Why would this topic suddenly be an unrelenting attacking point of the enemy's? I don't totally know, but I have a few guesses. Have you heard of HALT? My friend Sarah M introduced this concept to me when we were discussing how to have victory over sin and over my own thoughts. When I'm digging my own grave as I sit in the dark having a pity party, I should stop and think, "Am I Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired?" If the answer is yes, my mind probably isn't to be trusted regarding the things it is shouting in my ear. 

So as I now sit on my bedroom floor, typing this post in the last few hours of this wretched year, I wonder how 2021 will be any different. I am as still tempted to sin in disgusting ways as I was ten years ago, when I hadn't trusted Jesus as my Savior. I'm still as much of a sinner as I was seven years ago when I was a new believer, on fire for God and full of the Holy Spirit. I'm still as covered with the righteousness of Jesus' blood as I was then and as I will be for eternity, so what has changed? I certainly don't like that movie like I once did. What will change?

In this coming year I have decided to look toward Jesus, look within myself, and look around my world. I will always be tempted, as a fallen human, but I don't have to give in. Sin no longer has the power to pull me along like a puppet, all it can do is paint its rotting face to try to appear attractive. With the power of God within me, I can lean fully on the Truth found only in His Word, and it is here that I will get instruction and guidance. As I look at myself, I can observe how I am being transformed into a person who looks more like Jesus and less like the world. When looking around me, I can choose to act in a truly loving way toward the people in my life. By love I don't mean a self-serving, virtue-signaling way of interaction, but in a way of love that Jesus would praise. I want to be willing to go as far as He did to show true love to the people who bear His Image. 

I pray that those who read this would be encouraged, convicted, and blessed, and that you will rest fully in the promise of the new age to come, when Jesus, King of Kings, will rule all of creation with truth and justice. He is the only way to salvation, and He is the only Helper of my soul as I wait longingly for His return. 

Jesus prayed to the Father, saying, "I have given them Your word; and the world has hated them because they are not of the world, just as I am not of the world. I am not asking You to take them out of the world, but to keep them away from the evil one. They are not of the world, just as I am not of the world. Sanctify them in the truth; Your word is truth. Just as You sent Me into the world, I also sent them into the world. And for their sakes I sanctify Myself, so that they themselves also may be sanctified in truth.

I am not asking on behalf of these alone, but also for those who believe in Me through their word, that they may all be one; just as You, Father, are in Me and I in You, that they also may be in Us, so that the world may believe that You sent Me.

The glory which You have given Me I also have given to them, so that they may be one, just as We are one; I in them and You in Me, that they may be perfected in unity, so that the world may know that You sent Me, and You loved them, just as You loved Me."

John 17:14-23 NASB

19 - Trust (Marriage Material pt. II)

Trust. It is a big deal, one that my last beau emphasized over and over, to the point that I felt I needed to trust him in order to make him want me. I look back now and wonder if he was gaslighting me. A shocking number of people have come forward and told me how uncomfortable my relationship with him made them. I wonder what they saw that I didn’t, and how much I might never understand. When it came down to the moment of parting ways, he ultimately did not honor me or the trust that I had put in him. All of this makes me incredibly wary of opening up to anyone.

Mars, Saturn, and Jupiter aligned recently in the early morning, while the moon rose at the left.

In the four years since that time I have focused on becoming more of myself, and trying to mold this new self into someone who seeks Christ over all else. This new adult person has been on approximately two dates and has been interested in three or so men. I want to focus on this past season, its main characters, and the lessons I’ve learned in today’s entry.

I have known all three men since moving to California and got to know them deeply enough that we became friends. K, V, and B all have honorable and attractive facets of their person, and some questionable or distressing features as well.

K reminds me of my father. His appearance is similar, his interests, and his humor. He also shares some bad habits with my dad. My ideal life looks a lot like his future plans. However, he seems to have little to no interest in me. We have some Theological differences. He is immature in a few key areas. I might feel the twinge of attraction, but as of now, this is not the right person or the right time.

V works hard. He works to become a better man, works to provide for himself and his future, and works at honoring God by his actions and reactions. He is careful, driven, and steady. His past is dark and not totally escapable. He wants something like the future I want, but it will be drastically limited because of his history. He is eager to learn and grow but may never be ready to get married.

B is meditative and shrewd. He is young in his faith but has been maturing faster than anyone I have seen. His craving for authentic growth mirrors my own, as does his scrutiny over his own sin. This introspection can be his downfall and his strength. When he allows despair to take control, he can be irresponsible and selfish. I don’t know if he could be a good match for me.

I wanted to tell you about these men first, so that you would understand that however badly I may have painted them, I am worse. I consider myself to be the chief of all sinners, as Paul did in 1 Timothy 1:15, “Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners--of whom I am the worst.” Knowing this is twofold: introspection with perspective. I am the worst of all sinners, but I am considered saved and held at Christ’s standard of righteousness now.

As in my last post, you know where I stand on the desire to marry. This brings me to the last question I asked in that post:

“How strictly or loosely should I examine a man’s character?”

How deeply ought I to trust him?

How mature does he need to be before we could move wisely forward?

How much do we need to agree on Theology and future plans?

How similar or dissimilar should our personalities and favorite sins be?

How dominant of a man should he be in regards to me, his authorities, and those under him?

On the flip side, what about me? How strictly or loosely should I examine my character?

Am I trustworthy? Am I a woman of integrity?

Am I mature enough to enter into a romantic relationship?

Is my Theology pleasing to God? Am I seeking to serve Christ with my future, or myself?

Am I comfortable with keeping my personality and sinful tendencies where they are?

How submissive of a woman should I be in regards to him, my authorities, and those under me?

My aim whilst considering all of this is to honor the men in my life while considering what God’s best plan is for each relationship and circumstance. I hope that my overflow of thoughts and feelings can be encouraging to someone, somewhere, and maybe even to me someday upon rereading it. It is clear that since the beginning of my blog (and since the beginning of my walk with Christ) I have grown quite a bit in terms of self-respect and somewhat less hasty. I hope to continue my growth by walking with Jesus more faithfully each day.

 “Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.”

18 - Marriage Material

Sweet cuddles with CG. 

As a child I always dreamed of being a wife and mother when I grew up, but somewhere between ages ten and thirteen, I developed a desire for individuality. This grew into an actual fear of marriage that peaked around age twenty, when a boy I liked expressed that marriage was his end goal. We talked it through and I was able to work out my issues regarding intimacy and commitment - so I swung to the other extreme and made an idol out of motherhood while rushing toward marriage with the wrong guy. 

They say hindsight is 20/20, but I find it to be not quite so clear. 

You see, before entering into that relationship that was supposed to culminate in marriage, I had put in many hours of prayer surrounding two questions: 

1- Is this the right man I should be with? 

2- Is now the right time to move forward with him?

I spent months agonizing over these questions until I decided I had ‘peace’ to move forward with the relationship. My hindsight regarding this agonizing period is quite conflicted. At the time I was convinced that God had answered both questions with a solid yes, otherwise I wouldn’t have moved forward with that guy. But looking back, I wonder how much my emotions clouded my judgement. The simple answer is, I don’t know. 

What I do know is that God planned the whole ordeal, allowed me to learn some really painful lessons, and is using it and other circumstances as opportunities to conform me into the image of Christ. 

Regardless of past hurts, my heart is pulled ever still toward the idea of marriage and motherhood. For the past five years or so I have been examining myself and trying to determine if I am marriage-worthy. 

Do I have what it takes to be yoked with another sinful human for the rest of my life?

Could I be patient and loving enough to help someone through difficult times, even when I don’t feel like a million bucks?

Am I self-controlled, gentle, and kind?

Am I faithful?

Am I worshipping God or an ideal relationship?

Do I have realistic and godly standards for a man to meet before he can be considered as a candidate for marriage?

These questions are heavy on my mind every day. I can TRY all I want to be kind and gentle and loving and patient, but these are not things that come naturally out of my heart. My heart is naturally evil (Jeremiah 17:9), and what will flow out of it if left to my own efforts is too ugly to record here. These good things are, however, natural fruit that comes from the Spirit of the Living God. By relying on Him, I can have these and more. 

But there are still the issues of my character habits regardless of my obedience to God at a given time- do I have integrity? I hope, at least, that I have more than I did five years ago. 

All this to say, sure, I may desire to be married, and it may be a good thing that God created and has planned for most people, but am I marriage material as an individual? And at what point do we say it’s okay for imperfect people to wed? Is it best to wait a bit more time and refine oneself, or to go ahead when God gives a green light? How will you know when it’s actually a green light or not? How strictly or loosely should I examine a man’s character? 

I don’t know if I will ever marry, though I long to. If God uses my homesickness for true, deep, and holy relationships to glorify Himself and draw me nearer to Him, then may I be burdened even more - that the Name of Jesus be praised. 

17 - On Anniversaries, Pain, and Growth.

Just over a year ago, everything was normal. Sure, the world was on fire, and my life as I knew it was about to change drastically, but for a moment, there was peace.

My favorite fire engine

In that moment of happiness, I forgot myself and ignored the slippery slope that I was standing on. I had actually downplayed the warning signs that I’d been passing, because of temporary contentment.

This was a new experience for me.
Never had I been so totally deceived- it was as though I was in a trance, captivated by a vision of a perfect life, while I was walking unassisted into the jaws of a monster.

A swipe from the claws of a new monster incidentally tore my gaze away from that false vision, and threw me far away from the life I had grown comfortable in - as well as away from danger.

As the one-year anniversary of this conflict drew near, I was incredibly sensitive to the affects it could have on me. Someone has done research on the science of anniversaries, and I only went looking into it after experiencing the affects of a previous wound. Interestingly, the body/soul somehow remembers the emotional/physical pain from a traumatic event, and has been observed to recur near the one-year anniversary of that event.

The first time this happened to me, I was blindsided by a wave of emotion and completely broke down. After realizing what it was caused by, my fear subsided. It was like an unprovoked anxiety attack.

This past autumn, however, has not had any signs of phantom emotions or pain, perhaps because of my tense anticipation. That period of time is not only defined by negative memories, but it also includes the new memories of meeting my dear friend Linda.

Linda & me at the Shasta Dam, with Mt. Shasta in the distance. 

I lived with Linda for about 16 months, and it was another difficult-but-beneficial experience that God has placed me into. She had minor dementia and hearing loss when I met her, as well as a few smaller ailments, and by the time I moved out of her home her dementia had much increased and her hearing loss had noticeably worsened.

It was shockingly clear that God placed me into Linda’s life, though all the reasons why haven’t been yet revealed. Some reasons include the fact that I was abruptly made homeless, and the fact that she needed someone to be able to keep an eye on her daily.

Another reason was the opportunity for me to grow in patience and love. I struggled almost daily while living with Linda to be loving and patient with her. Most times, she was simply forgetful and asked me a lot of questions, sometimes she made jokes that were unfunny to me, and sometimes she was just plain mean. Regardless of the difficulties that she presented me with, she is and was totally deserving of my unconditional love.

The view from the front door of my [new] home

As I go into this new year, new decade, new season of life, I’m intentionally allowing myself some introspection:
I want to grow, so how will I do it?
I desire holiness, so what must be cut out of my life?
I crave authentic relationships, so how can I reach out to God’s beloved children?

Just let me trust wholly in Him, and all will be well.

16 - This Is That Part

Having now taken nearly two years leave from this blog, I have a newfound desire to express my thoughts. So may you be welcomed, as a new or old friend.

Orleans, CA - on a NFS complex fire with Lassen Trucking

I’ll summarize the last two years briefly: 

On a fire in Bowman, CA - without my boots.

July-August 2017

I worked with the volunteer fire dept, took an online college class and failed it, and moved to the Farm – a homestead owned and operated by the R family: my fire chief, his wife, and their daughter SR.

September-December 2017

Continued to work for the VFD, Co. 9, and maintained a childcare job with the City of Red Bluff, learned that my first ‘niece’ was on the way.

CGR - a new true love of mine.

January-May 2018

Began official one-year sabbatical from SBC, got laid off of said childcare job in April, CGR was born, worked with CR. harvesting hay at the Farm, and I decided to attend Fire Academy in the fall.

The Carr Fire over Whiskeytown Lake, July 26th.

June-August 2018

Exercised in preparation for academy, worked on many fires, spent two weeks battling the Carr Fire in Redding, and navigated a dramatically painful exit from the Farm in August. Moved to Redding to live with Linda, a 77-year-old lady with dementia whose family lives in the Bay area and wanted her to be safer.

Graduation from Academy, and an 8 mo CG

September-December 2018

Fire Academy – One of the best experiences, and certainly the most difficult, of my entire life. 15 hours a day, 5-6 days a week, 16 weeks. I’ll never forget the 20 brothers whom I gained, nor the amazing instructors who shared their life’s work with us.

Overlooking the Valley of Armageddon

January-May 2019 (present)

Took 3 classes at SBC, including the Israel class. Visited Israel from February 24 to March 8, an experience that will thrill me and haunt me for the rest of my life. Learned that CG’s brother, SS, is due to arrive this September.

I felt at home in the hospital, but unable to solve real issues.

May 8 began a harrowing ordeal with my brother E, age 18, as he battled a mysterious and life-threatening infection. He was hospitalized on May 10, and by the 12^th he was in ICU, intubated and sedated with a failing liver and acute pneumonia. Surgeons removed the largest spot of inflammation and infection from his collarbone and by May 17, he was well enough to be discharged and sent home. We had hundreds of people praying for him. I continue to pray for his salvation, and that of my other two brothers.

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A dear friend with whom I discuss meaningful topics has recently shared his frustrations with American Christianity, the impossibility of men striving to please God, and with our own propensity to sin. In response my whole heart screams, “Yes! Why, God? I hate this! I miss You! If I am to be forced to live on this wretched planet one more day…” I feel that my spirit could break.

The Sea of Galilee

Much like my two-years-ago self, I today struggle with conforming my emotions and actions to my convictions and eternal yearnings. I cannot seem to read my Bible (listen to God’s words) or pray (return conversation to God and attempt to align my heart with His) more than three days in a row. Memorization is even more difficult, though I feel a deep need for it, logically and spiritually.

This is less of a shared lesson learned, and more of an affirmation of my own need. I am hopelessly depraved, desperately wicked - as if hunting down sins to accomplish is all I need to survive - and yet, through Christ, I have a Helper. He promised not happiness, health, or prosperity, but hardship, hurting, and persecution.

This is that part. 

This is that fleeting moment of "time," the one where we endure temporal judgement for our sin and are separated from God in body. This is the part where it all but kills us, and for some, that may happen. I am no expert, but I'm friends with the One who holds the future, and cares for me, the worst of all sinners. I trust that He is faithful to do it.

"Now may the God of peace himself sanctify you completely, and may your whole spirit and soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. 

He who calls you is faithful; He will surely do it.

Brothers, pray for us.

The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with you."

15 - Green...In California...In Summer...

I think I must be growing.

Some days feel hopeless and make the bad stuff feel more important. 

On other days I feel confident and amazed at how strong I’ve become in some ways.

I’ve had new stressors that have pushed me to adapt and step forward as a leader, I’ve had a chosen few strong mentors at my side as opposed to a mass of mediocre advisors, and I’ve become responsible for the husbandry of several animals.

On most days, I have no inherent interest for God’s Word. Sure, I’ll pray for myself and others throughout the day. But there is little passion for cultivating our relationship. On a certain few days, I will be overcome with despair for my sin, and overwhelmed with adoration for my Abba’s work in my salvation. But, as my dear friend SM reminds me, seeing your feelings as the most important part of your relationship with the King is SIN, for it minimizes the power of the cross.

In light of all this, I praise God. He is worthy of worship not only for the immense growth He has effected in my past, nor for the miracles He is working in my life today, but for all of this, including the future salvation that is in store for me, which is too wonderful for me to understand.

One of my dearest friends used to say that my most godly trait was my desire for growth. I didn’t understand that concept very well the first time I heard it. But I’m beginning to realize how important it is. I thank the Lord of all things for giving me idiosyncratic desires, and this one being something that does not come from my natural self. He is perfecting me and making me holy…. and helping me WANT to be holy.

What a merciful King we serve! 

"The grass withers and the flowers fall, but the word of our God endures forever."

Isaiah 40:8

14 - Joy

Joy is such a pure thing. It is a hoping and delighting way of life, and somehow it is possible to be deeply sorrowful while continuing in that way of life. Along with Love, Peace, Patience, and others, it is a FRUIT of the Holy Spirit of God. It can only come from Him, through Him. Submission to Him brings the rewards of a fruitful, fruit-filled life.

The deeply sorrowful, intensely longing side of me is always beneath the surface. Today in Old Testament Survey class I was reminded of Psalm 130, the fundamental passage for this blog. I am so longing for the coming King, Christ Jesus my savior. And mixed in with that is my loneliness for family, companionship, the drawing near of the end times.

And yet, Joy.

Righteousness will be His belt, and faithfulness the sash around His waist.

Inshallah.

13 - Autumn '16

A Lesson in Patience

I know, I know... I'm meant to be all about this 'patience' thing, especially since I've named my entire blog after the longing sort of patience we are to emit as we wait for the LORD. 

Thankfully it is not me but the Spirit of God who makes any emanating patience a reality.

 He is so gracious to be everything I need and more.

Lake Waldo, OR

This has been a very interesting season for me... I've been very alone, very adult, and learning a new thing just about every hour. I've been through training to become a volunteer firefighter, and have been taking three college classes this semester, one of which was the Emergency Medical Technician (EMT) program and was worth 7.5 units.  (That's a lot, in case you don't speak college.)

And I graduated!! Woohoo!!!!
SR and I worked like crazy to pull it off... though I'm pretty sure it's only because God wants it to happen for some reason.








SR is so fantastic. She's a wonderful sister in the LORD, she is passionate about her goals, and she is the opposite of me when it comes to personality.        :)

Joj helping to wash the grapes

Another couple of events this fall:

I made grape juice for the first time! From actual grapes!
And I turned 22!

I felt quite creative... (there are two 2's and they make a heart!)

SM (my dear mentor)> and I got to attend a women's conference in October in the MOST beautiful corner of creation I've ever been in. 

The falls!! I was right there ^^^^^!!!!!!!!!

Richardson Springs, CA

12 - Summer '16

A Lesson In Endurance

For what seems like a long time now, I've been living away from my family. 

That's right, these ridiculous people whom I love. :)                   <-------------->

It's been three years since I have been a permanent resident of my parents' home, and this will be the first year that the IRS recognizes me as independent from them. 

Today, I got to wrangle fiberglass insulation into the south wall of my house. The most vibrant memory I have of this deceptively-not-cotton-candy stuff is when once I played groundhog and burrowed my way into a large mound of rolls of the stuff. You get the picture. This is something I may never forget. I was wearing a red sweatshirt. 

Anyway, this summer I've gotten to do a lot of really amazing things! Adult things, and some childish/childlike things. :)

I got to spend scads of time with my dear friend 
Miss M Mrs. R

Boysenberry jam and a goofball

Gaming is code for playing pretend!

We have spent much of it giggling, adventuring, crying, accidentally burning appendages whilst cooking, and praying together.

 (There may or may not have been a midnight zucchini bread making adventure.......)


I got a job with the city, working with kids who are never out of the public school system.

The manicure of a children's worker!

The look of someone who has
 just been crowned a dunce!

These kids are 97% (at least) unsaved and know nothing about Jesus. 

Added to that is the fact that I was the only Believer on our staff team.

Ms. C was/is the person of interest here.

I maintained two jobs with ladies who live up in Redding, helping with meal prep and the like. 

Ms. A is 75, has lyme disease, a heart condition, and a history of deep fascination for finding truth within one's own self. She has expressed a belief that all roads lead to heaven.

Ms. B is in her mid-sixties, has lyme disease, an auto-immune disease, and a worldview which requires a pastor/sermon to give her an emotional high or reaction in order for it to be Spirit-filled. She isn't sure whether she believes that Jesus is God.

Ms. C is in her early sixties, lost a child years ago, doesn't believe in hell, is bitter toward and untrusting of most of the world, and believes that all roads go to heaven.

All three of these ladies have told me that they were "saved & baptized" in their late teens.

Ms. A occasionally speaks with me about spiritual things, Ms. B nearly constantly does, and Ms. C comes and goes, when she's feeling confident or antagonizing.

I do not know exactly the position each of these women hold before the King, but it seems likely that they are respectively either non-believers or very immature believers.

This is an experience I've not had before. It has indeed been exhilarating, terrifying, and staggering at times. Most of the time I just keep my mouth shut and listen and pray as they explain their unbiblical beliefs to me. Much of the time I'm not sure exactly how to pray.

In my devotions last week I focused on the grace of God. How comforting it is to know that His grace has covered over my sins! Praise be to our Father and to Jesus Christ! And yet how heartbreaking that these women may not have received that perfect gift! Even so, His power to save is not diminished. 

I do pray, that I will remember continually how great a gift was given for me on Golgotha, and that these sometimes difficult women will come to a full understanding of their lowliness, and yet His love for them and power to save.

Much more has happened! See the next post! :)

Blessings to you!

11 - Relearning to walk

My favorite number is ten, so it's always  difficult for me to want to add an eleven to anything. But it has been so long!

SBC girls!

Hoge & I

Hello from California! As a child I overheated very easily, and have only gotten more sensitive to the heat as I've aged. But it would seem that this is where God has me for now! :)

Part of my house

As I may have mentioned before, I also have a 'chink in my armor' that tends to be an area of struggle for me with my emotions. I was never diagnosed, but I have had to really work at being joyful and unafraid throughout my life. The devil knows this, (and I'm thankful that I am aware) so it's an important matter to keep under control. Anyway, how is all this connected?

Back view of the house (with a stray pool ladder)

I am feeling quite alone these days. Sure, my relationship with my family is ever growing sweeter, and my Abba is always with me. But over the past three years, I've lived in four different states, six different homes, and my circumstances have considerably changed. I love, love, LOVE my church family, and they are just that most of the time. They are so sweet and I love to be involved in their lives. But changing hands so frequently makes it difficult to have close relationships. Maybe this is God giving me a hint: don't put more stock in temporal things/relationships than in Him.

I thank the LORD for my sweet friend B, whom He has miraculously placed in the same family and town as me!

H, B, I - at B's wedding a month ago.

It has been a journey. An adventure even! My God is working all things out for His glorious purposes, and I long to trust Him more as He uses me however He will.

Ah yes! The title of this entry is important indeed. I am reminded frequently of my inadequacy and Christ's sufficiency. As a little child, I am learning to walk, to live, to trust Him more, and I'm needing to re-do it this time. I'm alone, I'm single, I'm learning a whole new way of life, and God is there, holding my hand as I take some baby steps and some big jumps. May I seek His will above all.

This hymn has been on my mind lately, and this verse in particular. The depth of Jesus' love for us is one I shall never fully comprehend. He has blessed us and saved us thousands of times more than we could ever deserve.

View Him prostrate in the garden, on the ground your Maker lies.

On the bloody tree behold Him! Sinner, will this not suffice?

10 - Be My Valentine?

The past year has been a hurricane.


It seemed like every week (if not every day) I was learning more of the depth of my insufficiency and incapability to handle my emotions or grasp spiritual things, or believe that the God of the universe loves me.


Today in Sunday School we talked about God's love, as He longs for us to understand it. He is so good, and the things that He chooses to put in my life are hand-picked because of His love for me.


In the last two months, a bunch of my expectations and dreams got taken out of the picture. I'm no longer planning to live in Oregon, I no longer have a man that I'm planning to marry, a year of relationship building with his family now seems to be in vain, and I'm practically alone on the west coast of America.


Why on EARTH would a good Father choose to give me this life??

Because He loves me. 

Because He is good.

Because He knows best.

My heart is so sad, yet so very full of joy and full of the hope that my Jesus has given me.

Oh, how I wish it were so simple to forget the whole world and worship Him! It seems at times that I could/should abandon worldly things altogether and seek to know Him more fully with each moment.

How can I spend one more minute hitting the snooze, or overeating, or putting anything in a different rank than it should be? To serve my King is to see this world as He sees it: desperately in need of a Rescuer. As one of my professors is often quoted, "We. Do. Not. Act. On. What. We. Know. To. Be. True." If I did, I would be giving my every breath to share the amazing, life-saving, eternal power of Jesus' person and work.

If I did, I would be "better."

Better means - evidently filled with the fruit of the Spirit/quick to listen/slow to speak/wise/mature. These are my very high expectations for myself. I want to do all I can, with the faith that I have, to grow in that and return my Master's talent to Him with interest. But how do I attempt this with the right perspective? I really am not certain, but this is my guess: I will learn to be content with the level of growth that I have achieved, at least for today. Tomorrow, I'll take another step toward godliness, without the expectation of immediate and astonishing results.


But I absolutely cannot do any of this in my own power. And God does not expect me to. I think the most difficult facet of my life right now is that I am completely convinced that He ultimately has the best plan in mind, and also completely and excruciatingly aware of my ineptitude to recognize or completely embrace that perfect plan. I just thank Him for His incredible patience with my helplessness.


So, be mine? On this day that would have been happy, my Savior is longing for my heart, longing to be my everything. And I do so long to see His face, to bring Him glory with my life until that day, and to cause those around me to see the perfection and sufficiency of Christ because of my weakness.


Be my Valentine/Sweetheart for this passing hour? No, let Him be the Lover of my soul for all eternity.

9 - My True Love

Who knew life could be so hard?

Oh, right... God did.

He has known every temptation before I existed.

He knows my every fear and worry, every sadness that stabs through my heart.

He loves me SO PASSIONATELY that He DIED for me.

"Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has ascended into heaven, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin. Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need."

Hebrews 4:14-16

My Jesus is always with me, even to the end of the age.

My Abba is the King of my life, and yet calls me daughter. It is He whom I long to see one day - whose lap I picture when I'm curled up and crying - whose arms I ache to be held by.

His Spirit waits for my submission before He envelops me in comfort and reminds me of the everlasting promises.

I am not alone.

This is but a battle -- The war is already won.

To the one God of heaven and earth be glory forever!

8 - On Life

It’s been crazy lately! Oh my… I’ll go in chronological order to keep it simple. :)

     My dear friends (Brian & Jenna) who have the sheep farm did not get back until Monday evening the 2^nd of February. On Monday morning when I went out to check on all the sheep, I looked into the dark back corner of the barn, and there were new babies! I was so excited! I saw one lamb standing up when the ewe started and moved, and then I saw the lamb that was lying completely flat. Somehow, whether by the harsh zero-degree temperatures or just from natural causes, the little girl lamb had died before I had gotten there. But as the mother ewe continued to move away nervously, I noticed the third lamb, curled up in the far corner, wobbling as if nodding off to sleep.

     I stuck my finger inside his mouth immediately to take his temperature, and seeing that it was way too cold, I scooped him up, put him in my coat and hurried back to the house. (Maybe this narrative is a bit dull to my animal-familiar readers, but it was a hugely exciting time for me.) I placed him into a garbage bag, and the bag into a warm bathtub-ful of water. Some two or three new warm tub-fuls later, he began to kick and try to get up. Back out to the barn he went, to see if his mother would accept him back as her baby. Thankfully, she did, and he began to nurse not long afterwards. What an amazing experience! That evening when I got back to my home, I realized that I had been wearing my brand new Christmas gift of a coat underneath my Carhartt, and by sticking the lamb in there, I had also introduced to my coat everything that the lamb had been laying in, and was already covered with. Now, I pride myself (never a good habit) with having the lifestyle of a ‘non-girly’ individual, so I didn’t lose my head over such a silly thing, especially since it had certainly helped to save a life! What a wonderful thing! But the stains came out surprisingly easily, just so you know. :)

     On Wednesday I got a call to come back to Infinity Farm and help with the sheep some more, just because of the delicate nature of lambing, especially with the added danger of the cold. Brian had to go to work, and Jenna could use an extra set of hands. So just as I was heading out of the house I received a VERY exciting and concerning text from Mom K. P, T's twin, and his wife L had been up all of Tues-Wed. night because L had started having contractions! As thrilling as this was, the downside was that she was making little progress. (L was with child, by the way.) I helped around the house in-between barn checks, and was constantly thinking of P, L & baby. 

     About at noon, Jenna and I discovered a ewe named Galaxy, and her set of triplet male lambs that had been born in the hour since our last visit! As nice as that was, there was a constantly looming desire for the lambs to be female; this sheep farm is a dairy farm, after all! On the next barn tour at one o’clock, we discovered a ewe that was beginning to labor. Rose had quadruplets last year, and triplets the two years before that. With sheep, when they have a certain number of lambs one year, they are expected to have the same amount or more each recurring year. Rose’s quads had been TINY though, so Jenna thought she just might have three this year. 

     (Just, ha! Can you imagine?) Their sheep usually labored for 15-30 minutes from beginning to birth, and any multiples spaced 5-10 minutes after that. So Jenna and I resolved to check on Rose again in 15 minutes. When we came back, she was still just walking around, eating every now and then, sitting down to push, and repeating the cycle. So Jenna gave her 30 or so more minutes, but this time I stayed behind to watch. At about thirty minutes, I got too cold, so headed back to the house. By this time it was three o’clock, and Brian returned from work. He and I went back to the barn to see what to do about this sheep that had been laboring for so long. It had been at least two hours! Jenna had consulted a ‘sheep manual’ of sorts during this time, and was refreshing her knowledge on how to assist with lambing if necessary. All three of us headed out to see what we could do for this ewe, rubber gloves and sheep book in hand.

You can hardly see #1 up by Rose's head, just his little white spot!

     When we arrived, there was FINALLY something visible coming out of the birth canal! A nose and….. One hoof. This explained a LOT. One of the lamb’s front legs was caught behind a pelvic bone, and couldn’t get out. So by quickly consulting the book, Jenna discovered just how she needed to intervene in order to get the lamb out safely. I held Rose’s head, Brian watched, Jenna pushed, twisted, and pulled all while pleading and encouraging Rose and the baby. We were all so glad when that lamb dropped! Jenna quickly cleared the nose and checked for the gender. Lamb # 1 was almost completely black, with a white forelock, and male! And he was big! 8 pounds at least. Lamb #2 followed soon after. He was born with a normal 2-hoof-1-nose presentation. While #2 was smaller than #1, he was still much bigger than any of last year’s quads had been at birth. Yes, male! And SO cute! Mostly white, with two black eyes and four nickel-sized spots along his spine at his shoulders.

Myself, #2, #1(the invisible one), and Omega.

     #3 was bigger than #1! This lamb was in the same position as #1, with one leg back. I guess they were just big! He was male, and almost completely white. Jenna was watching as the brood grew, and she was exclaiming with surprise that the three boys had all fit! And then I was saying, “Jenna…. Look!” Two hooves this time, but Brian quickly realized that they weren’t front hooves. The lamb was breach. Jenna quickly grabbed the hocks, and Brian read instructions to her while I held Rose still. The tricky thing with breach birth is making sure the ribcage of the lamb doesn’t get caught on the pelvic bone of the ewe. #4 was the same size as #1. Four babies! Big, normal-sized babies! And number 4 was a girl! Finally! She was the last of the seven new lambs that day, and the only female! For this reason she was named Omega the next day. :)

     The second lamb was obviously the runt, and both he and Omega were a bit weak, so they came into the house for a while to get warmed up and fed. Omega perked right up and was ready to go out again before long, but #2 was apparently going to be a bottle-fed house lamb, just because he was weaker and for SOME reason Brian and Jenna thought four babies for one mama might get a bit overwhelming. I headed home for the night.

     Now in all of this, P & L had started the day at the hospital, laboring. Somewhere in the morningtime they decided to go back to her parent’s house to rest for a while. In the afternoon/evening they went back to the hospital. I went to bed that night after a text from Mom saying she’d inform me of any baby news, even if it happened in the middle of the night. On February 5^th I woke up at 5:50 a.m. Eastern time, and immediately checked my phone, but no news. At 5:57, my phone buzzed! I sat straight up and grabbed the phone. Baby N was here! I cried and laughed and praised God. What an amazing miracle! Even though I won’t meet her for several months, I’m already captivated by her. Every day since her arrival I’ve been bragging about her to anyone who will listen. I’m amazed at how she’s unwillingly stolen my heart. :)

 

     I was called back to the farm that day just in case of anything crazy happening.  Galaxy’s smallest lamb and Rose’s #2 were both designated as bottle babies. I got to sit on the living room floor and dry them off and cuddle them after their baths. I admit I’d made a favorite of lamb #2, and now Jenna was saying that they needed names…. So I eventually brought up the already decided name of Ellipsis for #2. And we decided on Mark for the other one, because of his exclamatory ! wool. :)

Ellipsis, Mark, and Brian & Jenna's youngest - baby R!

     Throughout the day it became more and more apparent that Mark was getting stronger and Ellipsis was not. He wouldn’t eat or stand, and just slept on my lap for four hours straight. Jenna researched in the sheep book, and together we concluded that his umbilical cord had been chewed too short, resulting in a fatal infection. Ellipsis was cared for and warm, and he died sometime that night.

R playing with Ellipsis on my lap

     On Friday I had the unexpected pleasure of getting to go and see my maternal grandparents! I have been so loved by them, and it’s not often we get to just sit and talk anymore.

Twins!

     My Grandma Judy had a stroke just a few years ago, and has had declining memory abilities ever since. I am so in love with her, and it is sad for me to see her frustrated when she realizes that she’s repeating a conversation or knows that she’s forgotten something important. She is so loving, despite it all. She needs no excuse to smile and laugh and hug and kiss. She fostered my love for music in its infancy, she sang me to sleep countless times, and was a primary care provider for my first couple years of life as my mom was working part time. My Grandpa Roger is the best definition of dependable I’ve ever seen. He taught me how to be safe when doing anything, and he is fiercely passionate about caring for me and his other grandchildren. He has never wavered in consistency as Grandma has had difficulties, and you can just SEE how deeply he loves her when he looks at her.

All this to say, life is so, so precious. Little Ellipsis was a precious creation of our Maker, and I was blessed by his little life. Darling, sweet N is one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen in my life. She has captured my heart. My grandparents have become a tangible proof of God’s love in my life.

There was a time in my past when I attempted, more than once, to end my life.

I believe that Satan knows just how precious life is, and just how much our Father loves us, and it disgusts him. He also knows that one of the biggest chinks in my armor is my struggle with joy. But he can’t have me. He can’t have me because my Savior is fighting for my heart. He has already won the war. My Jesus is lavishing His love on me. This God, who died that I could live, continues to pursue me and draw me nearer. He gives me these undeserved gifts in my life so that I can see that much more of a wider scope of how IMMEASURABLY much HE loves me.

My Father, my Lover, my Friend.

His children are the most precious of all God's creations. 

See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God!

And that is what we are!

1 John 3:1