16 - This Is That Part

Having now taken nearly two years leave from this blog, I have a newfound desire to express my thoughts. So may you be welcomed, as a new or old friend.

Orleans, CA - on a NFS complex fire with Lassen Trucking

I’ll summarize the last two years briefly: 

On a fire in Bowman, CA - without my boots.

July-August 2017

I worked with the volunteer fire dept, took an online college class and failed it, and moved to the Farm – a homestead owned and operated by the R family: my fire chief, his wife, and their daughter SR.

September-December 2017

Continued to work for the VFD, Co. 9, and maintained a childcare job with the City of Red Bluff, learned that my first ‘niece’ was on the way.

CGR - a new true love of mine.

January-May 2018

Began official one-year sabbatical from SBC, got laid off of said childcare job in April, CGR was born, worked with CR. harvesting hay at the Farm, and I decided to attend Fire Academy in the fall.

The Carr Fire over Whiskeytown Lake, July 26th.

June-August 2018

Exercised in preparation for academy, worked on many fires, spent two weeks battling the Carr Fire in Redding, and navigated a dramatically painful exit from the Farm in August. Moved to Redding to live with Linda, a 77-year-old lady with dementia whose family lives in the Bay area and wanted her to be safer.

Graduation from Academy, and an 8 mo CG

September-December 2018

Fire Academy – One of the best experiences, and certainly the most difficult, of my entire life. 15 hours a day, 5-6 days a week, 16 weeks. I’ll never forget the 20 brothers whom I gained, nor the amazing instructors who shared their life’s work with us.

Overlooking the Valley of Armageddon

January-May 2019 (present)

Took 3 classes at SBC, including the Israel class. Visited Israel from February 24 to March 8, an experience that will thrill me and haunt me for the rest of my life. Learned that CG’s brother, SS, is due to arrive this September.

I felt at home in the hospital, but unable to solve real issues.

May 8 began a harrowing ordeal with my brother E, age 18, as he battled a mysterious and life-threatening infection. He was hospitalized on May 10, and by the 12^th he was in ICU, intubated and sedated with a failing liver and acute pneumonia. Surgeons removed the largest spot of inflammation and infection from his collarbone and by May 17, he was well enough to be discharged and sent home. We had hundreds of people praying for him. I continue to pray for his salvation, and that of my other two brothers.

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A dear friend with whom I discuss meaningful topics has recently shared his frustrations with American Christianity, the impossibility of men striving to please God, and with our own propensity to sin. In response my whole heart screams, “Yes! Why, God? I hate this! I miss You! If I am to be forced to live on this wretched planet one more day…” I feel that my spirit could break.

The Sea of Galilee

Much like my two-years-ago self, I today struggle with conforming my emotions and actions to my convictions and eternal yearnings. I cannot seem to read my Bible (listen to God’s words) or pray (return conversation to God and attempt to align my heart with His) more than three days in a row. Memorization is even more difficult, though I feel a deep need for it, logically and spiritually.

This is less of a shared lesson learned, and more of an affirmation of my own need. I am hopelessly depraved, desperately wicked - as if hunting down sins to accomplish is all I need to survive - and yet, through Christ, I have a Helper. He promised not happiness, health, or prosperity, but hardship, hurting, and persecution.

This is that part. 

This is that fleeting moment of "time," the one where we endure temporal judgement for our sin and are separated from God in body. This is the part where it all but kills us, and for some, that may happen. I am no expert, but I'm friends with the One who holds the future, and cares for me, the worst of all sinners. I trust that He is faithful to do it.

"Now may the God of peace himself sanctify you completely, and may your whole spirit and soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. 

He who calls you is faithful; He will surely do it.

Brothers, pray for us.

The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with you."

15 - Green...In California...In Summer...

I think I must be growing.

Some days feel hopeless and make the bad stuff feel more important. 

On other days I feel confident and amazed at how strong I’ve become in some ways.

I’ve had new stressors that have pushed me to adapt and step forward as a leader, I’ve had a chosen few strong mentors at my side as opposed to a mass of mediocre advisors, and I’ve become responsible for the husbandry of several animals.

On most days, I have no inherent interest for God’s Word. Sure, I’ll pray for myself and others throughout the day. But there is little passion for cultivating our relationship. On a certain few days, I will be overcome with despair for my sin, and overwhelmed with adoration for my Abba’s work in my salvation. But, as my dear friend SM reminds me, seeing your feelings as the most important part of your relationship with the King is SIN, for it minimizes the power of the cross.

In light of all this, I praise God. He is worthy of worship not only for the immense growth He has effected in my past, nor for the miracles He is working in my life today, but for all of this, including the future salvation that is in store for me, which is too wonderful for me to understand.

One of my dearest friends used to say that my most godly trait was my desire for growth. I didn’t understand that concept very well the first time I heard it. But I’m beginning to realize how important it is. I thank the Lord of all things for giving me idiosyncratic desires, and this one being something that does not come from my natural self. He is perfecting me and making me holy…. and helping me WANT to be holy.

What a merciful King we serve! 

"The grass withers and the flowers fall, but the word of our God endures forever."

Isaiah 40:8

14 - Joy

Joy is such a pure thing. It is a hoping and delighting way of life, and somehow it is possible to be deeply sorrowful while continuing in that way of life. Along with Love, Peace, Patience, and others, it is a FRUIT of the Holy Spirit of God. It can only come from Him, through Him. Submission to Him brings the rewards of a fruitful, fruit-filled life.

The deeply sorrowful, intensely longing side of me is always beneath the surface. Today in Old Testament Survey class I was reminded of Psalm 130, the fundamental passage for this blog. I am so longing for the coming King, Christ Jesus my savior. And mixed in with that is my loneliness for family, companionship, the drawing near of the end times.

And yet, Joy.

Righteousness will be His belt, and faithfulness the sash around His waist.

Inshallah.

13 - Autumn '16

A Lesson in Patience

I know, I know... I'm meant to be all about this 'patience' thing, especially since I've named my entire blog after the longing sort of patience we are to emit as we wait for the LORD. 

Thankfully it is not me but the Spirit of God who makes any emanating patience a reality.

 He is so gracious to be everything I need and more.

Lake Waldo, OR

This has been a very interesting season for me... I've been very alone, very adult, and learning a new thing just about every hour. I've been through training to become a volunteer firefighter, and have been taking three college classes this semester, one of which was the Emergency Medical Technician (EMT) program and was worth 7.5 units.  (That's a lot, in case you don't speak college.)

And I graduated!! Woohoo!!!!
SR and I worked like crazy to pull it off... though I'm pretty sure it's only because God wants it to happen for some reason.








SR is so fantastic. She's a wonderful sister in the LORD, she is passionate about her goals, and she is the opposite of me when it comes to personality.        :)

Joj helping to wash the grapes

Another couple of events this fall:

I made grape juice for the first time! From actual grapes!
And I turned 22!

I felt quite creative... (there are two 2's and they make a heart!)

SM (my dear mentor)> and I got to attend a women's conference in October in the MOST beautiful corner of creation I've ever been in. 

The falls!! I was right there ^^^^^!!!!!!!!!

Richardson Springs, CA

12 - Summer '16

A Lesson In Endurance

For what seems like a long time now, I've been living away from my family. 

That's right, these ridiculous people whom I love. :)                   <-------------->

It's been three years since I have been a permanent resident of my parents' home, and this will be the first year that the IRS recognizes me as independent from them. 

Today, I got to wrangle fiberglass insulation into the south wall of my house. The most vibrant memory I have of this deceptively-not-cotton-candy stuff is when once I played groundhog and burrowed my way into a large mound of rolls of the stuff. You get the picture. This is something I may never forget. I was wearing a red sweatshirt. 

Anyway, this summer I've gotten to do a lot of really amazing things! Adult things, and some childish/childlike things. :)

I got to spend scads of time with my dear friend 
Miss M Mrs. R

Boysenberry jam and a goofball

Gaming is code for playing pretend!

We have spent much of it giggling, adventuring, crying, accidentally burning appendages whilst cooking, and praying together.

 (There may or may not have been a midnight zucchini bread making adventure.......)


I got a job with the city, working with kids who are never out of the public school system.

The manicure of a children's worker!

The look of someone who has
 just been crowned a dunce!

These kids are 97% (at least) unsaved and know nothing about Jesus. 

Added to that is the fact that I was the only Believer on our staff team.

Ms. C was/is the person of interest here.

I maintained two jobs with ladies who live up in Redding, helping with meal prep and the like. 

Ms. A is 75, has lyme disease, a heart condition, and a history of deep fascination for finding truth within one's own self. She has expressed a belief that all roads lead to heaven.

Ms. B is in her mid-sixties, has lyme disease, an auto-immune disease, and a worldview which requires a pastor/sermon to give her an emotional high or reaction in order for it to be Spirit-filled. She isn't sure whether she believes that Jesus is God.

Ms. C is in her early sixties, lost a child years ago, doesn't believe in hell, is bitter toward and untrusting of most of the world, and believes that all roads go to heaven.

All three of these ladies have told me that they were "saved & baptized" in their late teens.

Ms. A occasionally speaks with me about spiritual things, Ms. B nearly constantly does, and Ms. C comes and goes, when she's feeling confident or antagonizing.

I do not know exactly the position each of these women hold before the King, but it seems likely that they are respectively either non-believers or very immature believers.

This is an experience I've not had before. It has indeed been exhilarating, terrifying, and staggering at times. Most of the time I just keep my mouth shut and listen and pray as they explain their unbiblical beliefs to me. Much of the time I'm not sure exactly how to pray.

In my devotions last week I focused on the grace of God. How comforting it is to know that His grace has covered over my sins! Praise be to our Father and to Jesus Christ! And yet how heartbreaking that these women may not have received that perfect gift! Even so, His power to save is not diminished. 

I do pray, that I will remember continually how great a gift was given for me on Golgotha, and that these sometimes difficult women will come to a full understanding of their lowliness, and yet His love for them and power to save.

Much more has happened! See the next post! :)

Blessings to you!

11 - Relearning to walk

My favorite number is ten, so it's always  difficult for me to want to add an eleven to anything. But it has been so long!

SBC girls!

Hoge & I

Hello from California! As a child I overheated very easily, and have only gotten more sensitive to the heat as I've aged. But it would seem that this is where God has me for now! :)

Part of my house

As I may have mentioned before, I also have a 'chink in my armor' that tends to be an area of struggle for me with my emotions. I was never diagnosed, but I have had to really work at being joyful and unafraid throughout my life. The devil knows this, (and I'm thankful that I am aware) so it's an important matter to keep under control. Anyway, how is all this connected?

Back view of the house (with a stray pool ladder)

I am feeling quite alone these days. Sure, my relationship with my family is ever growing sweeter, and my Abba is always with me. But over the past three years, I've lived in four different states, six different homes, and my circumstances have considerably changed. I love, love, LOVE my church family, and they are just that most of the time. They are so sweet and I love to be involved in their lives. But changing hands so frequently makes it difficult to have close relationships. Maybe this is God giving me a hint: don't put more stock in temporal things/relationships than in Him.

I thank the LORD for my sweet friend B, whom He has miraculously placed in the same family and town as me!

H, B, I - at B's wedding a month ago.

It has been a journey. An adventure even! My God is working all things out for His glorious purposes, and I long to trust Him more as He uses me however He will.

Ah yes! The title of this entry is important indeed. I am reminded frequently of my inadequacy and Christ's sufficiency. As a little child, I am learning to walk, to live, to trust Him more, and I'm needing to re-do it this time. I'm alone, I'm single, I'm learning a whole new way of life, and God is there, holding my hand as I take some baby steps and some big jumps. May I seek His will above all.

This hymn has been on my mind lately, and this verse in particular. The depth of Jesus' love for us is one I shall never fully comprehend. He has blessed us and saved us thousands of times more than we could ever deserve.

View Him prostrate in the garden, on the ground your Maker lies.

On the bloody tree behold Him! Sinner, will this not suffice?

10 - Be My Valentine?

The past year has been a hurricane.


It seemed like every week (if not every day) I was learning more of the depth of my insufficiency and incapability to handle my emotions or grasp spiritual things, or believe that the God of the universe loves me.


Today in Sunday School we talked about God's love, as He longs for us to understand it. He is so good, and the things that He chooses to put in my life are hand-picked because of His love for me.


In the last two months, a bunch of my expectations and dreams got taken out of the picture. I'm no longer planning to live in Oregon, I no longer have a man that I'm planning to marry, a year of relationship building with his family now seems to be in vain, and I'm practically alone on the west coast of America.


Why on EARTH would a good Father choose to give me this life??

Because He loves me. 

Because He is good.

Because He knows best.

My heart is so sad, yet so very full of joy and full of the hope that my Jesus has given me.

Oh, how I wish it were so simple to forget the whole world and worship Him! It seems at times that I could/should abandon worldly things altogether and seek to know Him more fully with each moment.

How can I spend one more minute hitting the snooze, or overeating, or putting anything in a different rank than it should be? To serve my King is to see this world as He sees it: desperately in need of a Rescuer. As one of my professors is often quoted, "We. Do. Not. Act. On. What. We. Know. To. Be. True." If I did, I would be giving my every breath to share the amazing, life-saving, eternal power of Jesus' person and work.

If I did, I would be "better."

Better means - evidently filled with the fruit of the Spirit/quick to listen/slow to speak/wise/mature. These are my very high expectations for myself. I want to do all I can, with the faith that I have, to grow in that and return my Master's talent to Him with interest. But how do I attempt this with the right perspective? I really am not certain, but this is my guess: I will learn to be content with the level of growth that I have achieved, at least for today. Tomorrow, I'll take another step toward godliness, without the expectation of immediate and astonishing results.


But I absolutely cannot do any of this in my own power. And God does not expect me to. I think the most difficult facet of my life right now is that I am completely convinced that He ultimately has the best plan in mind, and also completely and excruciatingly aware of my ineptitude to recognize or completely embrace that perfect plan. I just thank Him for His incredible patience with my helplessness.


So, be mine? On this day that would have been happy, my Savior is longing for my heart, longing to be my everything. And I do so long to see His face, to bring Him glory with my life until that day, and to cause those around me to see the perfection and sufficiency of Christ because of my weakness.


Be my Valentine/Sweetheart for this passing hour? No, let Him be the Lover of my soul for all eternity.