Having now taken nearly two years leave from this blog,
I have a newfound desire to express my thoughts. So may you be welcomed, as a
new or old friend.
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I’ll summarize the last two years briefly:
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| On a fire in Bowman, CA - without my boots. |
July-August 2017
I worked with the volunteer fire dept, took an online
college class and failed it, and moved to the Farm – a homestead owned and
operated by the R family: my fire chief, his wife, and their daughter SR.
September-December 2017
Continued to work for the VFD, Co. 9, and maintained a
childcare job with the City of Red Bluff, learned that my first ‘niece’ was on
the way.
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| CGR - a new true love of mine. |
Began official one-year sabbatical from SBC, got laid off of said childcare job in April, CGR was born, worked with CR. harvesting hay at the Farm, and I decided to attend Fire Academy in the fall.
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| The Carr Fire over Whiskeytown Lake, July 26th. |
June-August 2018
Exercised in preparation for academy, worked on many fires,
spent two weeks battling the Carr Fire in Redding, and navigated a dramatically
painful exit from the Farm in August. Moved to Redding to live with Linda, a 77-year-old
lady with dementia whose family lives in the Bay area and wanted her to be safer.
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| Graduation from Academy, and an 8 mo CG |
September-December 2018
Fire Academy – One of the best experiences, and certainly
the most difficult, of my entire life. 15 hours a day, 5-6 days a week, 16
weeks. I’ll never forget the 20 brothers whom I gained, nor the amazing
instructors who shared their life’s work with us.
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| Overlooking the Valley of Armageddon |
Took 3 classes at SBC, including the Israel class. Visited
Israel from February 24 to March 8, an experience that will thrill me and haunt
me for the rest of my life. Learned that CG’s brother, SS, is due to
arrive this September.
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| I felt at home in the hospital, but unable to solve real issues. |
May 8 began a harrowing ordeal with my brother E, age 18,
as he battled a mysterious and life-threatening infection. He was hospitalized
on May 10, and by the 12th he was in ICU, intubated and sedated with
a failing liver and acute pneumonia. Surgeons removed the largest spot of
inflammation and infection from his collarbone and by May 17, he was well
enough to be discharged and sent home. We had hundreds of people praying for
him. I continue to pray for his salvation, and that of my other two brothers.
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A dear friend with whom I discuss meaningful topics has
recently shared his frustrations with American Christianity, the impossibility
of men striving to please God, and with our own propensity to sin. In response
my whole heart screams, “Yes! Why, God? I hate this! I miss You! If I am to be
forced to live on this wretched planet one more day…” I feel that my spirit could break.
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| The Sea of Galilee |
Much like my two-years-ago self, I today struggle with conforming
my emotions and actions to my convictions and eternal yearnings. I cannot seem
to read my Bible (listen to God’s words) or pray (return conversation to God and
attempt to align my heart with His) more than three days in a row. Memorization
is even more difficult, though I feel a deep need for it, logically and
spiritually.
This is less of a shared lesson learned, and more of an affirmation of my own need. I am hopelessly depraved, desperately wicked - as if hunting down sins to accomplish is all I need to survive - and yet, through Christ, I have a Helper. He promised not happiness, health, or prosperity, but hardship, hurting, and persecution.
This is that part.
This is that fleeting moment of "time," the one where we endure temporal judgement for our sin and are separated from God in body. This is the part where it all but kills us, and for some, that may happen. I am no expert, but I'm friends with the One who holds the future, and cares for me, the worst of all sinners. I trust that He is faithful to do it.
"Now may the God of peace himself sanctify you completely, and may your whole spirit and soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ.
He who calls you is faithful; He will surely do it.
Brothers, pray for us.
The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with you."
