18 - Marriage Material

Sweet cuddles with CG. 

As a child I always dreamed of being a wife and mother when I grew up, but somewhere between ages ten and thirteen, I developed a desire for individuality. This grew into an actual fear of marriage that peaked around age twenty, when a boy I liked expressed that marriage was his end goal. We talked it through and I was able to work out my issues regarding intimacy and commitment - so I swung to the other extreme and made an idol out of motherhood while rushing toward marriage with the wrong guy. 

They say hindsight is 20/20, but I find it to be not quite so clear. 

You see, before entering into that relationship that was supposed to culminate in marriage, I had put in many hours of prayer surrounding two questions: 

1- Is this the right man I should be with? 

2- Is now the right time to move forward with him?

I spent months agonizing over these questions until I decided I had ‘peace’ to move forward with the relationship. My hindsight regarding this agonizing period is quite conflicted. At the time I was convinced that God had answered both questions with a solid yes, otherwise I wouldn’t have moved forward with that guy. But looking back, I wonder how much my emotions clouded my judgement. The simple answer is, I don’t know. 

What I do know is that God planned the whole ordeal, allowed me to learn some really painful lessons, and is using it and other circumstances as opportunities to conform me into the image of Christ. 

Regardless of past hurts, my heart is pulled ever still toward the idea of marriage and motherhood. For the past five years or so I have been examining myself and trying to determine if I am marriage-worthy. 

Do I have what it takes to be yoked with another sinful human for the rest of my life?

Could I be patient and loving enough to help someone through difficult times, even when I don’t feel like a million bucks?

Am I self-controlled, gentle, and kind?

Am I faithful?

Am I worshipping God or an ideal relationship?

Do I have realistic and godly standards for a man to meet before he can be considered as a candidate for marriage?

These questions are heavy on my mind every day. I can TRY all I want to be kind and gentle and loving and patient, but these are not things that come naturally out of my heart. My heart is naturally evil (Jeremiah 17:9), and what will flow out of it if left to my own efforts is too ugly to record here. These good things are, however, natural fruit that comes from the Spirit of the Living God. By relying on Him, I can have these and more. 

But there are still the issues of my character habits regardless of my obedience to God at a given time- do I have integrity? I hope, at least, that I have more than I did five years ago. 

All this to say, sure, I may desire to be married, and it may be a good thing that God created and has planned for most people, but am I marriage material as an individual? And at what point do we say it’s okay for imperfect people to wed? Is it best to wait a bit more time and refine oneself, or to go ahead when God gives a green light? How will you know when it’s actually a green light or not? How strictly or loosely should I examine a man’s character? 

I don’t know if I will ever marry, though I long to. If God uses my homesickness for true, deep, and holy relationships to glorify Himself and draw me nearer to Him, then may I be burdened even more - that the Name of Jesus be praised. 

17 - On Anniversaries, Pain, and Growth.

Just over a year ago, everything was normal. Sure, the world was on fire, and my life as I knew it was about to change drastically, but for a moment, there was peace.

My favorite fire engine

In that moment of happiness, I forgot myself and ignored the slippery slope that I was standing on. I had actually downplayed the warning signs that I’d been passing, because of temporary contentment.

This was a new experience for me.
Never had I been so totally deceived- it was as though I was in a trance, captivated by a vision of a perfect life, while I was walking unassisted into the jaws of a monster.

A swipe from the claws of a new monster incidentally tore my gaze away from that false vision, and threw me far away from the life I had grown comfortable in - as well as away from danger.

As the one-year anniversary of this conflict drew near, I was incredibly sensitive to the affects it could have on me. Someone has done research on the science of anniversaries, and I only went looking into it after experiencing the affects of a previous wound. Interestingly, the body/soul somehow remembers the emotional/physical pain from a traumatic event, and has been observed to recur near the one-year anniversary of that event.

The first time this happened to me, I was blindsided by a wave of emotion and completely broke down. After realizing what it was caused by, my fear subsided. It was like an unprovoked anxiety attack.

This past autumn, however, has not had any signs of phantom emotions or pain, perhaps because of my tense anticipation. That period of time is not only defined by negative memories, but it also includes the new memories of meeting my dear friend Linda.

Linda & me at the Shasta Dam, with Mt. Shasta in the distance. 

I lived with Linda for about 16 months, and it was another difficult-but-beneficial experience that God has placed me into. She had minor dementia and hearing loss when I met her, as well as a few smaller ailments, and by the time I moved out of her home her dementia had much increased and her hearing loss had noticeably worsened.

It was shockingly clear that God placed me into Linda’s life, though all the reasons why haven’t been yet revealed. Some reasons include the fact that I was abruptly made homeless, and the fact that she needed someone to be able to keep an eye on her daily.

Another reason was the opportunity for me to grow in patience and love. I struggled almost daily while living with Linda to be loving and patient with her. Most times, she was simply forgetful and asked me a lot of questions, sometimes she made jokes that were unfunny to me, and sometimes she was just plain mean. Regardless of the difficulties that she presented me with, she is and was totally deserving of my unconditional love.

The view from the front door of my [new] home

As I go into this new year, new decade, new season of life, I’m intentionally allowing myself some introspection:
I want to grow, so how will I do it?
I desire holiness, so what must be cut out of my life?
I crave authentic relationships, so how can I reach out to God’s beloved children?

Just let me trust wholly in Him, and all will be well.