18 - Marriage Material

Sweet cuddles with CG. 

As a child I always dreamed of being a wife and mother when I grew up, but somewhere between ages ten and thirteen, I developed a desire for individuality. This grew into an actual fear of marriage that peaked around age twenty, when a boy I liked expressed that marriage was his end goal. We talked it through and I was able to work out my issues regarding intimacy and commitment - so I swung to the other extreme and made an idol out of motherhood while rushing toward marriage with the wrong guy. 

They say hindsight is 20/20, but I find it to be not quite so clear. 

You see, before entering into that relationship that was supposed to culminate in marriage, I had put in many hours of prayer surrounding two questions: 

1- Is this the right man I should be with? 

2- Is now the right time to move forward with him?

I spent months agonizing over these questions until I decided I had ‘peace’ to move forward with the relationship. My hindsight regarding this agonizing period is quite conflicted. At the time I was convinced that God had answered both questions with a solid yes, otherwise I wouldn’t have moved forward with that guy. But looking back, I wonder how much my emotions clouded my judgement. The simple answer is, I don’t know. 

What I do know is that God planned the whole ordeal, allowed me to learn some really painful lessons, and is using it and other circumstances as opportunities to conform me into the image of Christ. 

Regardless of past hurts, my heart is pulled ever still toward the idea of marriage and motherhood. For the past five years or so I have been examining myself and trying to determine if I am marriage-worthy. 

Do I have what it takes to be yoked with another sinful human for the rest of my life?

Could I be patient and loving enough to help someone through difficult times, even when I don’t feel like a million bucks?

Am I self-controlled, gentle, and kind?

Am I faithful?

Am I worshipping God or an ideal relationship?

Do I have realistic and godly standards for a man to meet before he can be considered as a candidate for marriage?

These questions are heavy on my mind every day. I can TRY all I want to be kind and gentle and loving and patient, but these are not things that come naturally out of my heart. My heart is naturally evil (Jeremiah 17:9), and what will flow out of it if left to my own efforts is too ugly to record here. These good things are, however, natural fruit that comes from the Spirit of the Living God. By relying on Him, I can have these and more. 

But there are still the issues of my character habits regardless of my obedience to God at a given time- do I have integrity? I hope, at least, that I have more than I did five years ago. 

All this to say, sure, I may desire to be married, and it may be a good thing that God created and has planned for most people, but am I marriage material as an individual? And at what point do we say it’s okay for imperfect people to wed? Is it best to wait a bit more time and refine oneself, or to go ahead when God gives a green light? How will you know when it’s actually a green light or not? How strictly or loosely should I examine a man’s character? 

I don’t know if I will ever marry, though I long to. If God uses my homesickness for true, deep, and holy relationships to glorify Himself and draw me nearer to Him, then may I be burdened even more - that the Name of Jesus be praised.