20 - Anger, Pain, Triggers, Sorrow, and Disappointment - Becoming Truly Sanctified

A while back, I wrote a post about joy. Today, four years later, I find myself in different circumstances, yet still struggling to realize where my power comes from.

As I sense the pull of temptation toward older sins, ones which I (maybe naively) thought I had begun to master, I grow agitated and nervous. When someone else is actively involved with that thing which reminds me of my past, and is displaying it publicly, I get angry as I feel the darkness fill the room. 

Tonight a member of my family turned on a movie which I used to claim as my favorite. Today however, as it was suggested as an entertainment option, I repeatedly voiced my desire for us to do something else, and to not watch this particular movie. Despite what I thought were clear communications, the movie was turned on. And here the triggering began.

Not really angry, mostly annoyed, I decided to distract myself and be productive by making dinner in another room. With the harsh language and silly banter mixed together, the movie certainly used to make me laugh, but now it makes me cringe. I know some people who turn a show off if they hear even a peep of blasphemy, let alone the garbage that came out of these actors mouths, so why don't I? 

I wish that I would have just left the room at this point, but I was too distracted and flustered to make a clear decision. As the film progressed, I knew that a certain scene was approaching. An actor made his first appearance onto the screen and I lost it. I gathered up all of my things and began to rush with them toward my bedroom. The relative who had chosen the movie and I yelled a bit at each other before I finally got to my room and shut the door, overwhelmed with anger, confusion, and sorrow.

Before I was even out of the kitchen I was regretting my reaction. I thought, "This isn't how a woman filled with the Holy Spirit should act! Why is this happening? How do I slow it down?" Sorrow about my actions washed over me, and I tried to compose myself. But did I immediately take it to the Lord in prayer? Nope. Now we are at the disappointment phase. 

The scene that I knew was coming up was one that fascinated me as a younger person. It was technically only cast with fully clothed people, but it's only purpose was to communicate an unexpected and turbulent sexual affair. This movie, and this particular scene, was an immediate threat to me. Unbeknownst to my family, or rather anyone other than a dear friend of mine, I have been repeatedly tempted these last few months to return to the sin of pornography. 

As far as winning streaks go, I've been having one with that particular battle. So why now? Why would this topic suddenly be an unrelenting attacking point of the enemy's? I don't totally know, but I have a few guesses. Have you heard of HALT? My friend Sarah M introduced this concept to me when we were discussing how to have victory over sin and over my own thoughts. When I'm digging my own grave as I sit in the dark having a pity party, I should stop and think, "Am I Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired?" If the answer is yes, my mind probably isn't to be trusted regarding the things it is shouting in my ear. 

So as I now sit on my bedroom floor, typing this post in the last few hours of this wretched year, I wonder how 2021 will be any different. I am as still tempted to sin in disgusting ways as I was ten years ago, when I hadn't trusted Jesus as my Savior. I'm still as much of a sinner as I was seven years ago when I was a new believer, on fire for God and full of the Holy Spirit. I'm still as covered with the righteousness of Jesus' blood as I was then and as I will be for eternity, so what has changed? I certainly don't like that movie like I once did. What will change?

In this coming year I have decided to look toward Jesus, look within myself, and look around my world. I will always be tempted, as a fallen human, but I don't have to give in. Sin no longer has the power to pull me along like a puppet, all it can do is paint its rotting face to try to appear attractive. With the power of God within me, I can lean fully on the Truth found only in His Word, and it is here that I will get instruction and guidance. As I look at myself, I can observe how I am being transformed into a person who looks more like Jesus and less like the world. When looking around me, I can choose to act in a truly loving way toward the people in my life. By love I don't mean a self-serving, virtue-signaling way of interaction, but in a way of love that Jesus would praise. I want to be willing to go as far as He did to show true love to the people who bear His Image. 

I pray that those who read this would be encouraged, convicted, and blessed, and that you will rest fully in the promise of the new age to come, when Jesus, King of Kings, will rule all of creation with truth and justice. He is the only way to salvation, and He is the only Helper of my soul as I wait longingly for His return. 

Jesus prayed to the Father, saying, "I have given them Your word; and the world has hated them because they are not of the world, just as I am not of the world. I am not asking You to take them out of the world, but to keep them away from the evil one. They are not of the world, just as I am not of the world. Sanctify them in the truth; Your word is truth. Just as You sent Me into the world, I also sent them into the world. And for their sakes I sanctify Myself, so that they themselves also may be sanctified in truth.

I am not asking on behalf of these alone, but also for those who believe in Me through their word, that they may all be one; just as You, Father, are in Me and I in You, that they also may be in Us, so that the world may believe that You sent Me.

The glory which You have given Me I also have given to them, so that they may be one, just as We are one; I in them and You in Me, that they may be perfected in unity, so that the world may know that You sent Me, and You loved them, just as You loved Me."

John 17:14-23 NASB

19 - Trust (Marriage Material pt. II)

Trust. It is a big deal, one that my last beau emphasized over and over, to the point that I felt I needed to trust him in order to make him want me. I look back now and wonder if he was gaslighting me. A shocking number of people have come forward and told me how uncomfortable my relationship with him made them. I wonder what they saw that I didn’t, and how much I might never understand. When it came down to the moment of parting ways, he ultimately did not honor me or the trust that I had put in him. All of this makes me incredibly wary of opening up to anyone.

Mars, Saturn, and Jupiter aligned recently in the early morning, while the moon rose at the left.

In the four years since that time I have focused on becoming more of myself, and trying to mold this new self into someone who seeks Christ over all else. This new adult person has been on approximately two dates and has been interested in three or so men. I want to focus on this past season, its main characters, and the lessons I’ve learned in today’s entry.

I have known all three men since moving to California and got to know them deeply enough that we became friends. K, V, and B all have honorable and attractive facets of their person, and some questionable or distressing features as well.

K reminds me of my father. His appearance is similar, his interests, and his humor. He also shares some bad habits with my dad. My ideal life looks a lot like his future plans. However, he seems to have little to no interest in me. We have some Theological differences. He is immature in a few key areas. I might feel the twinge of attraction, but as of now, this is not the right person or the right time.

V works hard. He works to become a better man, works to provide for himself and his future, and works at honoring God by his actions and reactions. He is careful, driven, and steady. His past is dark and not totally escapable. He wants something like the future I want, but it will be drastically limited because of his history. He is eager to learn and grow but may never be ready to get married.

B is meditative and shrewd. He is young in his faith but has been maturing faster than anyone I have seen. His craving for authentic growth mirrors my own, as does his scrutiny over his own sin. This introspection can be his downfall and his strength. When he allows despair to take control, he can be irresponsible and selfish. I don’t know if he could be a good match for me.

I wanted to tell you about these men first, so that you would understand that however badly I may have painted them, I am worse. I consider myself to be the chief of all sinners, as Paul did in 1 Timothy 1:15, “Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners--of whom I am the worst.” Knowing this is twofold: introspection with perspective. I am the worst of all sinners, but I am considered saved and held at Christ’s standard of righteousness now.

As in my last post, you know where I stand on the desire to marry. This brings me to the last question I asked in that post:

“How strictly or loosely should I examine a man’s character?”

How deeply ought I to trust him?

How mature does he need to be before we could move wisely forward?

How much do we need to agree on Theology and future plans?

How similar or dissimilar should our personalities and favorite sins be?

How dominant of a man should he be in regards to me, his authorities, and those under him?

On the flip side, what about me? How strictly or loosely should I examine my character?

Am I trustworthy? Am I a woman of integrity?

Am I mature enough to enter into a romantic relationship?

Is my Theology pleasing to God? Am I seeking to serve Christ with my future, or myself?

Am I comfortable with keeping my personality and sinful tendencies where they are?

How submissive of a woman should I be in regards to him, my authorities, and those under me?

My aim whilst considering all of this is to honor the men in my life while considering what God’s best plan is for each relationship and circumstance. I hope that my overflow of thoughts and feelings can be encouraging to someone, somewhere, and maybe even to me someday upon rereading it. It is clear that since the beginning of my blog (and since the beginning of my walk with Christ) I have grown quite a bit in terms of self-respect and somewhat less hasty. I hope to continue my growth by walking with Jesus more faithfully each day.

 “Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.”

18 - Marriage Material

Sweet cuddles with CG. 

As a child I always dreamed of being a wife and mother when I grew up, but somewhere between ages ten and thirteen, I developed a desire for individuality. This grew into an actual fear of marriage that peaked around age twenty, when a boy I liked expressed that marriage was his end goal. We talked it through and I was able to work out my issues regarding intimacy and commitment - so I swung to the other extreme and made an idol out of motherhood while rushing toward marriage with the wrong guy. 

They say hindsight is 20/20, but I find it to be not quite so clear. 

You see, before entering into that relationship that was supposed to culminate in marriage, I had put in many hours of prayer surrounding two questions: 

1- Is this the right man I should be with? 

2- Is now the right time to move forward with him?

I spent months agonizing over these questions until I decided I had ‘peace’ to move forward with the relationship. My hindsight regarding this agonizing period is quite conflicted. At the time I was convinced that God had answered both questions with a solid yes, otherwise I wouldn’t have moved forward with that guy. But looking back, I wonder how much my emotions clouded my judgement. The simple answer is, I don’t know. 

What I do know is that God planned the whole ordeal, allowed me to learn some really painful lessons, and is using it and other circumstances as opportunities to conform me into the image of Christ. 

Regardless of past hurts, my heart is pulled ever still toward the idea of marriage and motherhood. For the past five years or so I have been examining myself and trying to determine if I am marriage-worthy. 

Do I have what it takes to be yoked with another sinful human for the rest of my life?

Could I be patient and loving enough to help someone through difficult times, even when I don’t feel like a million bucks?

Am I self-controlled, gentle, and kind?

Am I faithful?

Am I worshipping God or an ideal relationship?

Do I have realistic and godly standards for a man to meet before he can be considered as a candidate for marriage?

These questions are heavy on my mind every day. I can TRY all I want to be kind and gentle and loving and patient, but these are not things that come naturally out of my heart. My heart is naturally evil (Jeremiah 17:9), and what will flow out of it if left to my own efforts is too ugly to record here. These good things are, however, natural fruit that comes from the Spirit of the Living God. By relying on Him, I can have these and more. 

But there are still the issues of my character habits regardless of my obedience to God at a given time- do I have integrity? I hope, at least, that I have more than I did five years ago. 

All this to say, sure, I may desire to be married, and it may be a good thing that God created and has planned for most people, but am I marriage material as an individual? And at what point do we say it’s okay for imperfect people to wed? Is it best to wait a bit more time and refine oneself, or to go ahead when God gives a green light? How will you know when it’s actually a green light or not? How strictly or loosely should I examine a man’s character? 

I don’t know if I will ever marry, though I long to. If God uses my homesickness for true, deep, and holy relationships to glorify Himself and draw me nearer to Him, then may I be burdened even more - that the Name of Jesus be praised. 

17 - On Anniversaries, Pain, and Growth.

Just over a year ago, everything was normal. Sure, the world was on fire, and my life as I knew it was about to change drastically, but for a moment, there was peace.

My favorite fire engine

In that moment of happiness, I forgot myself and ignored the slippery slope that I was standing on. I had actually downplayed the warning signs that I’d been passing, because of temporary contentment.

This was a new experience for me.
Never had I been so totally deceived- it was as though I was in a trance, captivated by a vision of a perfect life, while I was walking unassisted into the jaws of a monster.

A swipe from the claws of a new monster incidentally tore my gaze away from that false vision, and threw me far away from the life I had grown comfortable in - as well as away from danger.

As the one-year anniversary of this conflict drew near, I was incredibly sensitive to the affects it could have on me. Someone has done research on the science of anniversaries, and I only went looking into it after experiencing the affects of a previous wound. Interestingly, the body/soul somehow remembers the emotional/physical pain from a traumatic event, and has been observed to recur near the one-year anniversary of that event.

The first time this happened to me, I was blindsided by a wave of emotion and completely broke down. After realizing what it was caused by, my fear subsided. It was like an unprovoked anxiety attack.

This past autumn, however, has not had any signs of phantom emotions or pain, perhaps because of my tense anticipation. That period of time is not only defined by negative memories, but it also includes the new memories of meeting my dear friend Linda.

Linda & me at the Shasta Dam, with Mt. Shasta in the distance. 

I lived with Linda for about 16 months, and it was another difficult-but-beneficial experience that God has placed me into. She had minor dementia and hearing loss when I met her, as well as a few smaller ailments, and by the time I moved out of her home her dementia had much increased and her hearing loss had noticeably worsened.

It was shockingly clear that God placed me into Linda’s life, though all the reasons why haven’t been yet revealed. Some reasons include the fact that I was abruptly made homeless, and the fact that she needed someone to be able to keep an eye on her daily.

Another reason was the opportunity for me to grow in patience and love. I struggled almost daily while living with Linda to be loving and patient with her. Most times, she was simply forgetful and asked me a lot of questions, sometimes she made jokes that were unfunny to me, and sometimes she was just plain mean. Regardless of the difficulties that she presented me with, she is and was totally deserving of my unconditional love.

The view from the front door of my [new] home

As I go into this new year, new decade, new season of life, I’m intentionally allowing myself some introspection:
I want to grow, so how will I do it?
I desire holiness, so what must be cut out of my life?
I crave authentic relationships, so how can I reach out to God’s beloved children?

Just let me trust wholly in Him, and all will be well.

16 - This Is That Part

Having now taken nearly two years leave from this blog, I have a newfound desire to express my thoughts. So may you be welcomed, as a new or old friend.

Orleans, CA - on a NFS complex fire with Lassen Trucking

I’ll summarize the last two years briefly: 

On a fire in Bowman, CA - without my boots.

July-August 2017

I worked with the volunteer fire dept, took an online college class and failed it, and moved to the Farm – a homestead owned and operated by the R family: my fire chief, his wife, and their daughter SR.

September-December 2017

Continued to work for the VFD, Co. 9, and maintained a childcare job with the City of Red Bluff, learned that my first ‘niece’ was on the way.

CGR - a new true love of mine.

January-May 2018

Began official one-year sabbatical from SBC, got laid off of said childcare job in April, CGR was born, worked with CR. harvesting hay at the Farm, and I decided to attend Fire Academy in the fall.

The Carr Fire over Whiskeytown Lake, July 26th.

June-August 2018

Exercised in preparation for academy, worked on many fires, spent two weeks battling the Carr Fire in Redding, and navigated a dramatically painful exit from the Farm in August. Moved to Redding to live with Linda, a 77-year-old lady with dementia whose family lives in the Bay area and wanted her to be safer.

Graduation from Academy, and an 8 mo CG

September-December 2018

Fire Academy – One of the best experiences, and certainly the most difficult, of my entire life. 15 hours a day, 5-6 days a week, 16 weeks. I’ll never forget the 20 brothers whom I gained, nor the amazing instructors who shared their life’s work with us.

Overlooking the Valley of Armageddon

January-May 2019 (present)

Took 3 classes at SBC, including the Israel class. Visited Israel from February 24 to March 8, an experience that will thrill me and haunt me for the rest of my life. Learned that CG’s brother, SS, is due to arrive this September.

I felt at home in the hospital, but unable to solve real issues.

May 8 began a harrowing ordeal with my brother E, age 18, as he battled a mysterious and life-threatening infection. He was hospitalized on May 10, and by the 12^th he was in ICU, intubated and sedated with a failing liver and acute pneumonia. Surgeons removed the largest spot of inflammation and infection from his collarbone and by May 17, he was well enough to be discharged and sent home. We had hundreds of people praying for him. I continue to pray for his salvation, and that of my other two brothers.

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A dear friend with whom I discuss meaningful topics has recently shared his frustrations with American Christianity, the impossibility of men striving to please God, and with our own propensity to sin. In response my whole heart screams, “Yes! Why, God? I hate this! I miss You! If I am to be forced to live on this wretched planet one more day…” I feel that my spirit could break.

The Sea of Galilee

Much like my two-years-ago self, I today struggle with conforming my emotions and actions to my convictions and eternal yearnings. I cannot seem to read my Bible (listen to God’s words) or pray (return conversation to God and attempt to align my heart with His) more than three days in a row. Memorization is even more difficult, though I feel a deep need for it, logically and spiritually.

This is less of a shared lesson learned, and more of an affirmation of my own need. I am hopelessly depraved, desperately wicked - as if hunting down sins to accomplish is all I need to survive - and yet, through Christ, I have a Helper. He promised not happiness, health, or prosperity, but hardship, hurting, and persecution.

This is that part. 

This is that fleeting moment of "time," the one where we endure temporal judgement for our sin and are separated from God in body. This is the part where it all but kills us, and for some, that may happen. I am no expert, but I'm friends with the One who holds the future, and cares for me, the worst of all sinners. I trust that He is faithful to do it.

"Now may the God of peace himself sanctify you completely, and may your whole spirit and soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. 

He who calls you is faithful; He will surely do it.

Brothers, pray for us.

The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with you."

15 - Green...In California...In Summer...

I think I must be growing.

Some days feel hopeless and make the bad stuff feel more important. 

On other days I feel confident and amazed at how strong I’ve become in some ways.

I’ve had new stressors that have pushed me to adapt and step forward as a leader, I’ve had a chosen few strong mentors at my side as opposed to a mass of mediocre advisors, and I’ve become responsible for the husbandry of several animals.

On most days, I have no inherent interest for God’s Word. Sure, I’ll pray for myself and others throughout the day. But there is little passion for cultivating our relationship. On a certain few days, I will be overcome with despair for my sin, and overwhelmed with adoration for my Abba’s work in my salvation. But, as my dear friend SM reminds me, seeing your feelings as the most important part of your relationship with the King is SIN, for it minimizes the power of the cross.

In light of all this, I praise God. He is worthy of worship not only for the immense growth He has effected in my past, nor for the miracles He is working in my life today, but for all of this, including the future salvation that is in store for me, which is too wonderful for me to understand.

One of my dearest friends used to say that my most godly trait was my desire for growth. I didn’t understand that concept very well the first time I heard it. But I’m beginning to realize how important it is. I thank the Lord of all things for giving me idiosyncratic desires, and this one being something that does not come from my natural self. He is perfecting me and making me holy…. and helping me WANT to be holy.

What a merciful King we serve! 

"The grass withers and the flowers fall, but the word of our God endures forever."

Isaiah 40:8

14 - Joy

Joy is such a pure thing. It is a hoping and delighting way of life, and somehow it is possible to be deeply sorrowful while continuing in that way of life. Along with Love, Peace, Patience, and others, it is a FRUIT of the Holy Spirit of God. It can only come from Him, through Him. Submission to Him brings the rewards of a fruitful, fruit-filled life.

The deeply sorrowful, intensely longing side of me is always beneath the surface. Today in Old Testament Survey class I was reminded of Psalm 130, the fundamental passage for this blog. I am so longing for the coming King, Christ Jesus my savior. And mixed in with that is my loneliness for family, companionship, the drawing near of the end times.

And yet, Joy.

Righteousness will be His belt, and faithfulness the sash around His waist.

Inshallah.