A while back, I wrote a post about joy. Today, four years later, I find myself in different circumstances, yet still struggling to realize where my power comes from.
As I sense the pull of temptation toward older sins, ones which I (maybe naively) thought I had begun to master, I grow agitated and nervous. When someone else is actively involved with that thing which reminds me of my past, and is displaying it publicly, I get angry as I feel the darkness fill the room.
Tonight a member of my family turned on a movie which I used to claim as my favorite. Today however, as it was suggested as an entertainment option, I repeatedly voiced my desire for us to do something else, and to not watch this particular movie. Despite what I thought were clear communications, the movie was turned on. And here the triggering began.
Not really angry, mostly annoyed, I decided to distract myself and be productive by making dinner in another room. With the harsh language and silly banter mixed together, the movie certainly used to make me laugh, but now it makes me cringe. I know some people who turn a show off if they hear even a peep of blasphemy, let alone the garbage that came out of these actors mouths, so why don't I?
I wish that I would have just left the room at this point, but I was too distracted and flustered to make a clear decision. As the film progressed, I knew that a certain scene was approaching. An actor made his first appearance onto the screen and I lost it. I gathered up all of my things and began to rush with them toward my bedroom. The relative who had chosen the movie and I yelled a bit at each other before I finally got to my room and shut the door, overwhelmed with anger, confusion, and sorrow.
Before I was even out of the kitchen I was regretting my reaction. I thought, "This isn't how a woman filled with the Holy Spirit should act! Why is this happening? How do I slow it down?" Sorrow about my actions washed over me, and I tried to compose myself. But did I immediately take it to the Lord in prayer? Nope. Now we are at the disappointment phase.
The scene that I knew was coming up was one that fascinated me as a younger person. It was technically only cast with fully clothed people, but it's only purpose was to communicate an unexpected and turbulent sexual affair. This movie, and this particular scene, was an immediate threat to me. Unbeknownst to my family, or rather anyone other than a dear friend of mine, I have been repeatedly tempted these last few months to return to the sin of pornography.
As far as winning streaks go, I've been having one with that particular battle. So why now? Why would this topic suddenly be an unrelenting attacking point of the enemy's? I don't totally know, but I have a few guesses. Have you heard of HALT? My friend Sarah M introduced this concept to me when we were discussing how to have victory over sin and over my own thoughts. When I'm digging my own grave as I sit in the dark having a pity party, I should stop and think, "Am I Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired?" If the answer is yes, my mind probably isn't to be trusted regarding the things it is shouting in my ear.
So as I now sit on my bedroom floor, typing this post in the last few hours of this wretched year, I wonder how 2021 will be any different. I am as still tempted to sin in disgusting ways as I was ten years ago, when I hadn't trusted Jesus as my Savior. I'm still as much of a sinner as I was seven years ago when I was a new believer, on fire for God and full of the Holy Spirit. I'm still as covered with the righteousness of Jesus' blood as I was then and as I will be for eternity, so what has changed? I certainly don't like that movie like I once did. What will change?
In this coming year I have decided to look toward Jesus, look within myself, and look around my world. I will always be tempted, as a fallen human, but I don't have to give in. Sin no longer has the power to pull me along like a puppet, all it can do is paint its rotting face to try to appear attractive. With the power of God within me, I can lean fully on the Truth found only in His Word, and it is here that I will get instruction and guidance. As I look at myself, I can observe how I am being transformed into a person who looks more like Jesus and less like the world. When looking around me, I can choose to act in a truly loving way toward the people in my life. By love I don't mean a self-serving, virtue-signaling way of interaction, but in a way of love that Jesus would praise. I want to be willing to go as far as He did to show true love to the people who bear His Image.
I pray that those who read this would be encouraged, convicted, and blessed, and that you will rest fully in the promise of the new age to come, when Jesus, King of Kings, will rule all of creation with truth and justice. He is the only way to salvation, and He is the only Helper of my soul as I wait longingly for His return.
Jesus prayed to the Father, saying, "I have given them Your word; and the world has hated them because they are not of the world, just as I am not of the world. I am not asking You to take them out of the world, but to keep them away from the evil one. They are not of the world, just as I am not of the world. Sanctify them in the truth; Your word is truth. Just as You sent Me into the world, I also sent them into the world. And for their sakes I sanctify Myself, so that they themselves also may be sanctified in truth.
I am not asking on behalf of these alone, but also for those who believe in Me through their word, that they may all be one; just as You, Father, are in Me and I in You, that they also may be in Us, so that the world may believe that You sent Me.
The glory which You have given Me I also have given to them, so that they may be one, just as We are one; I in them and You in Me, that they may be perfected in unity, so that the world may know that You sent Me, and You loved them, just as You loved Me."
John 17:14-23 NASB
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